On the eve of my last final of “the college years” (which, unlike a laundry list of teen-angst hour-long dramas on the WB [R.I.P] did not disappoint,) I have this theory kicking around my head. Knowing myself, it’s better for me just to get it out, so that I’m not doodling and daydreaming when I should be drawing Phillips curves and aggregate supply and demand charts. Here goes: Hockey is Quidditch for humans*.

As I’m sure some of you know, the Penguins finally vanquished the Capitals Wednesday night in a Game 7 rout that hopefully (but I know it won’t) puts to rest the “Crosby or Ovechkin” debate. Seriously, that’s like asking which is better: the baby Jesus or Grendel’s Mother (bonus points: Beowulf reference!). But I digress.

My point is this: watching hockey is like poetry in motion. A few weeks ago, I attended a cookie-eating contest, during which the announcer describe the act of gorging yourself with cookies as “physical poetry.” Let me be clear: I do not mean anything closely (or distantly) related to that. My first postulate, and yes I’m using this word for its auditory cache, is that skating is as close we’ll get to human flight. To see these guys zipping up and down the ice at break-neck speed is incredible. The speed doesn’t translate well through the TV until they zoom in closer to the ice. This connects to the larger theory (Hockey = Human Quidditch… stay with me!) especially when the offense is moving into the opponent’s zone, with all three traveling at the same speed and the defenders lie in waiting. Intense!

Postulate two: You had to see this one coming—hockey sticks = brooms. C’mon. Glue a little straw on the ends of those things and we’ve got Canada’s second-favorite pastime: Curling. Someone’s bound to hop on their stick and take flight one of these days. It’s science.

Postulate three: At this point, I’m playing a little fast and loose with the postulates. How’s this: hockey defensemen are the human form of the Quidditch “bludger.” In both cases, people are getting their brains bashed in.

Postulate four: This one brings us full circle. Harry Potter is to Sidney Crosby as Draco Malfoy is to Alex Ovechkin. Hooray for analogies! GRE, here I come! But seriously, think about it. You know it’s true.

The combination of these four postulates provides for a cogent theory that hockey is our version of Quidditch. Good luck refuting this air-tight analysis.

Editor’s note: People who, by nature, hate this post: Scott, Eliot. Others?

*I refuse to use the word Muggle in reference to myself. I’m dork enough, thanks.

Hello and welcome to the real world, where it’s the last week of college for me. Please take a moment and evaluate what this moment in my life means to you. Thank you. The world is now sufficiently revolving around me, and I am able to continue. Here we go.

If anyone’s heard from April, let me know. The month, not the high-fastening pants-wearer and journalist who is inexplicably and constantly clad in yellow. Somehow it’s May, the greatest of the months. This one is going to be particularly blockbuster-esque, as it involves the end of school (and therefore learning) in my life, my MJ birthday, and several high-profile visits for graduation and afterward.

That’s right, the fam is coming, en mass, to Austin, Texas. The first wave arrives on Wednesday the 20th and the next on Thursday the 21st. Graduation dinner is set for Friday night at Z’Tejas, some cl@$$y joint up in the Arboretum area (Latin for trees… you’re welcome). This will be my aunt and uncle’s first trip to Texas, so it will be fun to show off the city to another set of Pennsylvanians. To the fam: expect much Tex-Mex and BBQ, to go along with the requisite hooplah and ballyhoo of family gatherings. We’ll miss the Jens, Eli, Micah, Piper and Dave, but I maaaaaay be stickin’ around for a little while longer, so there’s still time.

If you’ve gotten this far, you’ve realized this post has no point, so I’m going to toss in a few random thoughts. Take’em or leave’em. The Penguins… gah! Down two to the Caps. Both close games, too. Also, should I get a one-day pass for ACL? Saturday is looking pretty good, but $85 is a lot for just a day. Finally, The Reliques were on the cover of DT Weekend, the insert in Thursday’s Daily Texan. This is a pretty huge deal.

Alright, that’s it. Send your complaints to

Okay, right out of the gate, let me say that both sides of the partisan divide are idiots (for very different reasons). With that out of the way, how about this Arlen Specter story, right? Crrrraaaaaazy. In case you missed it (i.e. have not turned on a TV/visited an Internets), the five-term Republican senator from Pennsylvania has switched parties and will seek reelection in the 2010 election as a Democrat.

Specter, in his own words:

In the course of the last several months since the stimulus vote, I have traveled the state and surveyed the sentiments of the Republican Party in Pennsylvania and public opinion polls, observed other public opinion polls and have found that the prospects for winning a Republican primary are bleak.

The reactions have been, well, mixed. This is the equivalent of a bomb exploding in the minds of everyone in Washington D.C., so maybe I should take it easier on some of these people. Let’s begin with the Republicans.

Oh, what, you’re surprised? Really? Were you also surprised when Rosie O’Donnell came out of the closet? Take a look at yourselves. The three moderate senators in your party (and there are basically only three) were ostracized for passing the stimulus. Obviously you have an ideological difference, but was it worth it to lose one of your most senior members? The continuation of a far-right stranglehold on the party is squeezing out all moderates, and with it, moderate voters. After 2010, the GOP will be lucky to have any Republicans north of the Mason-Dixon line.

Pat Toomey and like-minded members in his Club for Growth are pushing moderates further to the left and shrinking the party. As Lindsay Graham put it in this Politico story, “I don’t want to be a member of the Club for Growth. . . I want to be a member of a vibrant national Republican party that can attract people from all corners of the country — and we can govern the country from a center-right perspective.”

On the other side of the aisle… ugh! Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth. Is nothing enough for you people? Kos at “Daily Kos” (aka where America goes to die) had this to say:

In some ways, Specter’s switch doesn’t give us anything much. As his statement says, he’s not switching back on EFCA, he won’t be a reliable Democratic vote, and he’ll probably duke it out with Lieberman to be the most obnoxious anti-Democratic voice from within the caucus.

On the other hand, he was going to lose his primary and we’d easily pick up the seat against Toomey, giving us a real Democrat in that seat. Doesn’t seem like a great deal.

You. Are. Awful. First of all, you have another Democrat in the senate. Why don’t you just shut up and appreciate it? Secondly, what is happening in this country that moderates—people who think with their BRAINS and evaluate each piece of legislation as good or bad for the country—are viewed as abhorrent?

Alright, I need a beer. I’m going to go simmer.

Oh, hey. You’re still here? Really? I abandoned this thing weeks ago. Thought you’d catch the drift. Slow learners, I guess.

Well, since we’re both here, let’s catch up on a few things, shall we? In a way, I’ve been busy these last few weeks. Many of you have informed me that you’re simply using my site as a portal to get to Kevin and Jen’s to find out more info about Micah, so I’m glad that people are getting something out of this empty Web-land lot.

I’m currently in employment purgatory. At the moment that’s all I’ll say. First of all, I can’t type and knock on wood at the same time. And secondly, in the immortal words of George H. W. Bush, it “just wouldn’t be prudent.” Anyway, more info to come on that front… hopefully.

In other news, um, I’m less than a month away from graduating. What? Yes. Somehow college happened, and here we are. Early word from Pittsburgh is that my friends graduated from Pitt this weekend. Congrats to everybody, no matter how insane that fact actually is. (Not that you/they graduated, but you know, just the idea of the whole thing. Weren’t we just playing dodgeball in Mrs. Flynn’s class?)

Speaking of Pittsburgh, I saw “Adventureland” Saturday night. I recommend it—especially for those who’ve been to Kennywood Park. As many of you know, this is the place where the nickname “Jeets” was born, and it serves as the central scene of the entire movie. As a result, I’ve got a serious hankerin’ to take a spin on the Thunderbolt now.

I think that’s about all I’ve got for now. I’ll leave you with a quote I read today of Sen. Arlen Specter in the Post-Gazette’s “Early Returns” blog:

Referring to his longevity in the Senate, which often leads to power, he quipped, “Does anybody know how long it takes to build up 30 years of seniority?” He paused and answered his own question. “That’s right, 30 years.”

Seriously. He’s the best.

If yesterday’s game is any guide, the Pirates could be the worst team in baseball this year (again) but with STYLE. The Buccos recorded the first triple play in 16 years at the major league level in their 2-0 loss to the Reds. Missed it? Check it out:

Tip of the hat to Candace for being a better baseball fan than I am right now and pointing this out to me.

Congratulations to Kevin and Jen on the birth of their son, Micah Ethan Bechdel! He arrived a bit earlier than expected and has had quite a whirlwind first couple days. He was born yesterday morning, April 6, in the Beaver Medical Center and flown to West Penn Hospital. He is 3 lbs. 2 oz., 16 inches long and doing well.

Please continue to pray for Micah and his family. I’ll pass along anymore information as soon as I get it, and be sure to check their blog for updates sometime in the future.

“And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” — Micah 6:8

Okay, okay, okay. I realize no one really cares about this topic but me, and this post is borderline the equivalent of me talking to a cardboard box, BUT: it involves the insanity of Kathie Lee Griffin and Hoda Kotb (challenging Jeff Probst for highest consonant-to-vowel ratio in show business) on the Today Show.

Highlights: at one point both of them are petting Stevie; they clearly weren’t listening to her pre-interview conversation because Kathie and Hoda were insistent that Stevie lost 60 pounds last week apparently; Kathie feels her hand and says she has bones like a bird.

Mixed in with their usual talking over each other, and saying “right” every 4 seconds, this video is ripe for Joel McHale and “The Soup.” They also cut her off at the end. All kinds of awkward. (The over/under for people who have gotten this far/watch the video is 1. Place your bets.)

So, Stevie Nicks apparently sat down with someone at People Magazine recently to discuss one of her favorite topics: how good she looks. The story, aptly titled “Stevie Nicks: How I Look Fabulous at 60” goes through the details of Stevie’s regiment from as far back as the 70s. The subhead for this story should be “Lies About Science.”

According to the Gold Dust Woman herself (I debated… almost went with Gypsy, briefly considered Welsh Witch), she spends 13 minutes every OTHER day on something called a Power Plate. The end. She dropped 30 pounds and has kept the weight off. Check out the Power Plate here. It looks like something the people in my previous post would use.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. This is all sounding a little Anna Nicole Smith, no? I mean, is it too soon to admit, as Kathy Griffin has, that “TrimSpa” is 80-90 percent heroin?

I did a search for videos of how this thing works. Um. None of them were in English. This one, which is oddly silent, should give you a good idea of what’s involved in the Power Plate workout. And how weird it is. According to stuff I’ve read, it was designed for Russian Cosmonauts either going to or coming back from space. So naturally Stevie has one in her basement.

Stevie’s final secret to success: she hasn’t seen the sun since she was 28.

While everyone else is out there burning up, I’m walking around going, ‘When I do look 60, you will all look 100. Enjoy it now because you aren’t going to be happy when I look young enough to get a date and you don’t.”

You can’t argue that she has a… unique perspective, no? In all fairness, she does look good for 60.

Um, welcome to the future, mofos. Check this video out.

MS Sustainability (http://ohhello.tv/video/MS_Sustainability_web.mov)

Sure, it’s Microsoft and as a result, not as cool as Apple, but I can’t waiiiiiiiiiit for this. We’ll all live in disc-like cylinders on really narrow beams of steel and have robot maids. Also, do you think planes in the future will be as ridiculously spacious as this one is?

The Magic 8 Ball says all signs point to YES.

As a final thought, what about this feel-good music, right? I want this to be the soundtrack of my life. You’ll know I’m coming around the corner when you hear the angels of techno-lite singing my anthem. You can’t deny that everyone wins in that scenario.

How weird is this post?

So yesterday, Candace posted a rant about Twitter on her blog “life is a playlist.” This is a response to that post.

First of all, I refuse to be the knight in shining armor to come along and defend every twit who ever tweeted on Twitter. It’s not my job, and it’s not my view, either. But as a former skeptic, I will say that Twitter is surprisingly useful and interesting. Or, it can be.

I should also point out that Twitter does themselves absolutely no favors in putting their best face forward. They have an introductory video that everyone is supposed to watch before signing up. It’s about two minutes long. Below is an excerpt. The assumptions are astounding:

So, what are you doing? It’s one of the first questions we often ask friends and family. Even if the answer is just mowing the lawn or cooking dinner, it’s interesting to us. It makes us feel connected and a part of each others lives. Unfortunately, most of our day-to-day lives are hidden from people that care. Of course, we have e-mail and blogs and phones to keep us connected. But you wouldn’t send an e-mail to a friend to tell them you’re having coffee. Your friend doesn’t need to know that. But what about people that want to know about the little things that happen in your life? Real life happens between blog posts and e-mails. And now, there’s a way to share.

Take a step back. Let’s examine the logic of this. We have needs and wants. E-mails are for needs, Twittering is for wants? Is this what they’re getting at? Either way it comes off as a terrible marketing strategy. Think about how dull your day to day life is. NOW LET’S BROADCAST IT!

To their question “But what about people that want to know about the little things…?” my answer is really? At this point a lot of people say “get a life” and worry about your own crap. But let’s be honest with ourselves. Though we may enjoy our lives and the stuff that happens during our day, an extremely small fraction of that is worth saying aloud, let alone “microblogging.” So not only are the people losers who post that they’re “eating a sandwich,” so are those who are just dying to know what kind of bread you used.

Keep in mind I’m saying all this, while being a twitterer myself. There are a few aspects of Twitter that make it worthwhile and not the most annoying form of social networking to date. And they are:

1. Links. As a news junkie, I appreciate a good scoop on a news story as much as the next guy. Reporters (that is, the famous ones, and we’ll get to that point in a minute) can upload stories at an incredible rate this day and age, but it’s even faster to post a 140 character message before you type up your 3 sentence blog post that Hillary Clinton accidentally made a fart joke into a live mic. (Note: She did not fart into a live mic. That would be crass.) Essentially Web sites like “TinyUrl” make Twitter possible. They take long Web addresses and shrink them to 25 characters, so you can still add witty comment and people will know what they’re clicking on. Like so: Candace’s blog post, shrunk to 25 characters http://tinyurl.com/dzoyvv

2. People that matter. In general, there are two kinds of people on Twitter: the beautiful people and the rest of us. The rest of us are busy describing the rye bread and salami of our delicious sandwiches, while the beautiful people (who are more than likely not actually beautiful, but are important in some way—politics, entertainment, sports, international chess champions, etc.) are telling us things that are interesting. This is where there is a slight divergence of opinion, not surprisingly, since we all have different tastes. I like politics, and so following George Snuffleupagus is interesting to me. (Note: John McCain is not. John McCain is that annoying friend on Facebook that updates his status every HOUR, and you know what I mean) Since Snuffy is reading breaking news stories and reporting himself, he can pass along interesting things he reads and finds. Kind of nice, right?

3. I thought for a long time, and there is no #3. That’s pretty much it. Advocates try to push these sob stories about how a reporter in Egypt got arrested for free speech and he tweeted this to his friends and they came to his rescue immediately. But for you and me, this is as likely as Pitt winning the NCAA Tournament (I WENT THERE).

So there you have it. My half-hearted, luke-warm, guilt-ridden defense of Twitter. Take it or leave it.