First, allow me to apologize for the long gap between posts. The reason for this was several-fold. First, the relevance and importance of my most recent post before today’s was so significant, I could not bury it below a pile of the daily crap I churn out here at Jeety’s Joint. Second, contrary to popular belief, from time to time, I have a life. This happens to be my “busy season.” But don’t worry, I’m sure once I head back to the land of warmth I’ll post with more regularity. And third, you don’t know me. So, I think that should cover it.

Anyways, the reason for this post is just to wish everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS! And of course Happy Channukah and Kwanza to my large Jewish and African American fan base*. Next week I’ll be sure to have some sort of post… a year in review type or perhaps a Q&A with the President.** So until then, have a happy and safe holiday season everybody!!

*Line stolen from Scott Bechdel’s holiday blog.
**President of what, yet to be determined.

There’s no point in trying to deny the fact that Duke sucks, as a people. Everyone should hate them, and I mean everyone. Literally no good can come from that cesspool that is Durham, North Carolina. See below:

It’s beautiful this time of year, Durham is. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a Duke student before. I’m sure if I did, I would be highly motivated to kill him. Seriously, all that hopping up and down during the basketball games… calm the flip down! No one thinks you’re cool. In fact, you’re giving college basketball a black eye and the pharmaceutical companies another reason to peddle Riddlin like they’re skittles. Chill out and watch the game like normal human beings. Sure fans get excited, but bouncing up and down like that is only understandable when dealing with 13 year-old girls at an ‘Nsync “concert.” Period.

Alright, who’s next? Coach “K.” What a load of crap that is. K? Are you kidding me? The guy’s name is “Sha-chef-ski,” and he has the gall to have people call him “Coach K,” because his “last name starts with K.” Do you have any idea how “Sha-chef-ski” is actually spelled? Krzyzewski. What… the hell… is that? Last time I checked, “K” started words like kazoo, kleptomaniac (Winona Ryder!) and KILLDUKE (it’s new in Webster’s this year, check it out). Not the “sh-” sound which starts certain words, some more famous than others. Anyways, the point is, we’re all tired of your crap, Coach K. Not only that, but there is talk around the NCAA that he’s breaking certain rules coaching Duke, and has been for years. What violation? Well I’m going to have to break it down for you. Basically, we’re all in the animal kingdom and phylum: animal and chordate (animals with backbones). However, differences in Coach K’s genetics appear at the next stage: class. All of us are “mammals,” whereas Mr. Sha-chef-ski displays strong characteristics of the bird class. These are egg-layers, with feathers. It’s well documented that NCAA rules strictly forbid birds from coaching any collegiate sport. Below is a startling family photograph of Coach K and his sister, Matilda:

Creepy, ain’t it? BA-KAWWW!!!! And finally, I’d like to analyze a bit further the actual players on the court. The big star is J. J. Reddick. “J. J.” Isn’t that cute? I think that stands for Jane Joyce. You know why? CAUSE HE’S A LADY! When not on the court, he enjoys wearing dresses, knitting and shopping with the gals. Sheldon Williams, center for Duke, is a whole other story. “Sheldon.” Come on, mom and dad, you’re just setting him up for failure. I mean, you can’t even make a nickname out of that… Shelly? LADY! It’s most unfortunate, indeed.

One thing we can say for sure is that Duke will undoubtedly screw up at some point. I mean, this is the team that had to hit a shot from half-court to beat Virginia Tech. Please, quite kidding yourselves. Why am I writing this? Sure, they may have beaten my Longhorns, but it “ain’t no thang,” as the kids day. We’ll see what’s up in March. Oh, and Duke, how did your football team do this year? Oh? Well how about the NCAA baseball tournament in the summer? Not so good? Not even included? Oh, that’s unfortunate. HA! Well I think that’s all I have for now. If you too hate Duke, feel free to share your thoughts. If you like Duke… I’ll pray for you.

Hmm, Mr. J. J. seems a bit intimate with his fellow basketball players. Anyone’s eyebrows raising? Rumor has it, engagement this spring after the season dies down. Also seen above is the teams center, Sheldon. He can be seen each morning on “Wake Up Wakefield,” the morning news report for Wakefield Middle School.

AUSTIN, Dec. 8 — I am reporting live from the middle of the devastation that is Austin, Texas right now. Just a few short hours ago, this up-and-coming metropolis, home to many a yuppy, underwent low temperatures that were (and I’m not exaggerating) BELOW FREEZING! Throughout the morning hours, temperatures ranged anywhere in the 20’s, but with windchills, dipped into the teens.

Though there was scarcely a trace of any form of precipitation, the entire University of Texas with its 52,000 students SHUT DOWN COMPLETELY. Says one mass email sent out by Jester R.A.’s, “Due to inclement weather in the Austin area, many of our staff are not able to get to work.” (This is real.) Several of the dining halls on campus have shut down and those running are being manned at what would appear to be minimum capacity. This naturally proves problematic, as EVERYONE HAS TO EAT THERE.

The delays began yesterday afternoon when all classes after 2pm on Wednesday the 7th were officially canceled. This cancelation of University events continued through the night, up until 10am classes the following day—today. All of these decisions were solely based on the brilliant minds of Al Roker and the godfather of weather, Willard Scott. The godfather of soul, James Brown, was unavailable for comment. Furthermore, when school officials awoke this morning and stepped outside for their morning paper, they immediately crapped thier pants. Without hesitation, all classes for Thursday, December 8th were canceled, and it was declared a snow day. Minus the snow. Plus the sun.

There’s no telling if and when the city will get back on its feet agian. Funds formerly set aside for victims of the Katrina disaster are now being funneled to Austin residents, most of whom are experiencing some form of severe shock. Personally, I have been outside to pick up my daily copy of the New York Times and it felt toasty, compared to a certain Thanksgiving Day nearer to da ‘Burgh.

The people of this great city of Austin are asking for your help. Actually, no… they’re also Texans, which makes them ridiculously stubborn. So I have been sent to ask for help on thier behalf. In the words of Boy George, George Michael, David Bowie and Sting (among others, but this is clearly the gay contingent of the group), “Feed the world. Let them know it’s Christmastime again!”

Above left we see the icon of the University of Texas, the famous Tower, now lying in ruin. This photograph was taken shortly after the devastating cold temperatures hit the region. Desolate and empty, the campus is crying out for aid. Band Aid. And above right, we see those hit worst by the chilling temperatures, the shanty-dwellers. They set up this large boxes, anchored by pieces of wood, right in front of the gym. It’s annoying. I would assume most of them were wiped out last night anyways, so… problem solved. Merry Christmas.

I don’t have much time, people. These two weeks coming up are going to be, in a word, hellacious. But, seeing as how I have fans that I can’t disappoint, here I am. Briefly.

School is the devil. Why? We plod along, all semester working diligently on our assingments, tests and other various school-related thingies. And here we are, the Advent Season! And do you know what they’re doing? They’re giving us FINAL tests. This my friends, is a grave injustice against the student body. It’s two weeks before flipping Christmas break and I have 2 tests, 1 project and potentially 4 finals. SMACKDOWN! From the man!

Here’s what I suggest. We rise up against the establishment, and rather than having tests, we have a two-week festival. A festival of lights. No, wait… that’s taken. Um, a festival of not learning. We already did that. And there will be singing and dancing and smoked meats! O what a joyous occassion! (Notice how around the holidays the “H” from “oh” is dropped? O Little Town of Bethlehem. Weird.)

I’ll meet you all out on the lawn. You’ll find it, just follow the hippies and the “We Shall Overcome” banners.

Mmmmm. Any cause fighting for smoked meats is a just cause.

It’s cold season, folks. Believe me, I know first hand. The runny nose, watery eyes, sneezing… clammy hands, occassional retching, perhaps open sores covering your entire body? Actually, I might classify that last one in another category. Bubonic plague, for instance.

So what can the common man do to fight the common cold… commonly? First, I recommend blowing your nose. What this does, is removes excess mucus, lodged in your brain. By not blowing your nose, you’re allowing mucus and its ugly cousin “snot” to set up shop on your brain and go to town. Here, they form small banquet tables and feast on brain—for days. Though I’m sure it’s delicious, you don’t want this happening to you. Basically, this is the source of headaches: little baby snots eating your brain. That and microscopic goblins with baseball bats banging on your cerebral cortex. See that? Much more technical than you thought, I’m sure.

I also recommend pills. And not just any pills; I’m talkin’ the good ones. Quantity is also important. See, I started out with two Advil Cold & Sinus every 4 hours or so. Face it folks, this is the sissy’s route. Sure, they might provide thirty seconds or so of relief, but before you know it, you’re shoving a Kleenex up both nostrils and holding your mouth open like a dope for oxygen. The pharmacy can’t help you any longer, friends! You’re better off finding somebody else, like say… a dealer. But that word carries a negative connotation. What you’re looking for is somebody who can “make you feel good all the time” and supply you with pills of every color of the rainbow. Don’t be afraid to mix these with alcohol and other medications either. Often that enhances the “effect” and before you know it, your cold is gone and you’re seeing visions of psychedelic sugar plums! Problem solved! Uhh, we here at Jeety’s Joint are not professional doctors, nor are we responsible for any of the “recommendations” we make here at our personal, silly, joke-filled website.

Your last option is a bit of a dramatic choice, but sometimes it’s all you have left—cut off your head. Other than the occassional body ache that might accompany a cold, all of the problem is up in your noggin. You don’t necessarily need it all the time and it would certainly alleviate the congestion. Um, let me know how that goes, for ya.

In short, there’s no good way around a head cold. You gotta tough it out, roll with the punches and any other annoying cliche that applies. Good night, and good luck. (PS– MacKenzie Cotters had a birthday last week on Novermber 22nd and we should all continue the celebration of the glorious occassion! Yaaay Mac! Happy Birthday!!)

Here, a jolly green goblin is enjoying a delicious ale of brainjuice. Mmmm, tastes like knowledge! Also pictured above is a tastey assortment colorful pills. The gel-tabs act quickly, but the solid ones last longer. Really, we leave that choice up to you. And your dealer’s supply, not to mention market price. Make sure to get enough “bang for your buck.”

My sincerest apologies for the extended break from updating my site here, but I’ll be honest, I had more important things to do—friends, family, these types of things. Then again… that’s most of you. So, I’m not real sure what I’m saying here, but the point is, I’m back. I have a solid 3 weeks (exactly, as of last Sunday) to put in here at Austin before the celebration of a lifetime begins over the Christmas month-long break. It was my intention to take a bunch of pictures of break and post them here about my travels, but uh… well that just didn’t happen. For excellence in “trip reporting,” I direct you to Kevin and Jen’s site.

So what good is this site? Just as you might have suspected, this is gripe central. Got a problem, or want to hear about mine? Look no further; you are home. I don’t really think of myself as a whiner, but perhaps I should. Either way, that’s irrelevant. Let’s get right down to it: over this past Thanksgiving break, I did a fair amount of traveling. From Austin to Chicago to Pittsburgh to Chicago to Austin, again. Sounds like a lovely, whirlwind tour of the mid and southwest? Think again, Billy!

We left UT’s campus at 1:25 to head for the Austin-Bergstrom International Airport. This would get us to the airport by about 2pm. Naturally, the bus was packed and I was forced to stand. Ordinarily, no big whoop. Unfortunately, I was positioned directly next to a gentleman with what we call a “B.O. Problem,” and since we were standing, you guessed it, the arms were up, holding the overhead bar. Delicious. Seeing as how the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving is highly documented as the busiest travel day in our nation’s history, we were expecting heavy traffic through the airport security. Our bags were checked and we were waiting at the gate by 2:15. Our flight? 4pm. We spent a decent chunk of time at the glorious dining establishment in the Austin airport, “Wok and Roll.” I recommend the chicken and broccoli. The general tso’s left a little to be desired.

And then it began. We returned to the gate by 3:15, in preparation to board at 3:30. When that time rolled around, we were informed of the first of what would become a glorious pattern for us: delays. Personally, I should have seen this coming. Why, you ask? The leading Congressman from Texas—Tom DELAY. A little too “coincidental” for my tastes. This first one was only a half hour long, but due to “high winds” in Chicago. Now, let me get this straight: the self-proclaimed “Windy City” was having trouble with their WIND? Get it together people. It’s one thing to be windy all the time, but to stir up high winds for tourists and vacationers around the holidays? That’s just tacky.

We arrived in Pittsburgh around 11:40, an hour and twenty minutes later than we were scheduled, but at least it wasn’t Thanksgiving yet. My trip home was great, obviously. Spending time with friends and family, eating foods that taste better than slimy rubber, bowling, and of course the new Harry Potter movie (four stars). Unfortunately however, I did pick up a lovely headcold, possibly from the flight, and possibly from standing outside in 14 degree weather, watching a turkey deep-fry (also four stars).

As I was clothing myself again from going through the metal detectors and thanking the Lord above that I wasn’t sent to the cattle stalls they have set up for those who set off the alarms this time, I was thinking, well at least it’s not snowy today. The woman who we checked our bags with earlier that day, a prophet of some sort, told us that our flight to Chicago would be, you guessed it, delayed. Now, when we went through the little subway ride to Terminal D, we checkd the departing flights and Chicago, O’Hare 6:49 was still listed as “on time.” “She must be crazy,” we all thought. Unfortunately, she was not. We waited an additional hour to take off. Cause for the delay? Heavy traffic. It’s an AIRPORT with SCHEDULED flights! Not an interstate with psychotic drivers! Regardless, we waited.

After finally taking off and landing in Chicago, we were greeted with another delay of an hour. Halfway through that period, they decided to tack on another 45 minutes. Our departure time was 10:48pm, central time. As I sat there sniffling, I began to wonder if this was the worst experience of my life. It seems unlikely, but at the time, nothing else really came to mind. We arrived in Austin at a cheery 2:15am, due to heavy turbulence during the flight. If you’ve ever been in an airport at this hour, you know it’s filled with vampires and zombies, so we got out of there as soon as possible. After taking a cab decorated with glow in the dark stars and what appeared to be mardi gras beads, we got to Sam’s apartment and to bed sometime around 3am. Nothing quite like sleeping on a couch after a long flight.

So what’s my point? Um, basically Chicago needs to get its crap together, before I fly through there again. That, and I’m still in a bit of a haze from a mixture of this cold and lack of sleep. Apologies for the long rant, but the thought of getting on another plane in 3 weeks is about as appealing as a bullet to the brain. Have a great day everyone! Oh, and happy birthday to Erika Reed! :)

Well, we’ve begun the Thanksgiving week, and what better way to kick-off the week than a trip down history lane. Tonight is the Annual Texas Hex Rally, where thousands of UT students go to the Main Mall on the campus to perform a seance, which in effect, curses the football team of Texas A&M. Though, it’s highly unlikely that the 3-4 Aggies will need any “hexing” for this upcoming game, any reason to congregate on the Main Mall by the Tower is good enough, not to mention the 64 years of tradition. So without further ado, I give you the story:

On Thanksgiving Day, 1941, UT was to travel to College Station to take on the Texas Aggies. Texas A & M was having a banner season. Undefeated and ranked second in the nation by the AP, the Aggies had already won the Southwest Conference Championship. They also had a jinx on the Longhorns.

Since 1923 - for 18 years - the Longhorns had been unable to win a game at Kyle Field. Desperate to break the College Station “jinx,” UT students consulted Madam Agusta Hipple, a local fortune teller. She instructed the students to burn red candles the week before the game as a way of “hexing” the Aggies and putting a stop to the jinx.

Through the week of Thanksgiving, Austin shops found it difficult to keep red candles in stock. Candles were burned in store windows along the Drag, in the fraternity and sorority houses of west campus, in the lounges of University residence halls, and in the windows of houses of Austin’s neighborhoods. Madam Hipple knew what she was doing. By uniting the football team and its fans with such a visible show of support, how could the Longhorns fail?

They didn’t. Texas went to College Station, defeated the no. 2 ranked Aggies 23 - 0, ended the 18-year jinx, and restored their pride as the AP’s final poll listed Texas as no. 4.

Above we see Texas quarterback Vince Young, and coach Mack Brown. They’re expecting their first child in late spring. Also depicted is our President, George W. Bush. His daughter Jenna attended UT and graduated with a B.A. in Alcoholic Consumption.

Hello, there. Please… have a seat. What’s that? Oh, you’re already sitting? Well I guess that makes sense. Anyways, welcome to a very special edition of Jeety’s Joint. Today, I’d like to take just a few moments and reflect on the event about to take place, exactly one week from today.

Thanksgiving. A national holiday of great significance in our country’s history. But what really took place all those thousands of years ago when the mighty vikings conquered the Atlantic and broke bread with the natives, known as “Indians,” such as Ghandi. The truth is, we know very little. There’s a belief that ancient scribes used a chisel technique on large stone tablets to document the event, but it is also believed that these tablets have been worn away, by thousands, if not millions of years of erosion. That really doesn’t matter, however. We’re capable of completely manufacturing our own history, thank you very much. “Thanksgiving” is America’s “Aeneid,” if you will.

Let’s start with the name itself: Thanksgiving. It’s a little known fact that this is actually greek for “Day of Delicious Stuffing.” Over the generations that have followed, the focus of the culture has shifted in a distinctly “pro-bird” direction, and turkey became the primary dish, rather than it’s traditional role as a vessel for the stuffing. Other foods typically enjoyed on this day include some variation of cranberries, in honor of the Irish rock band of the same name, mashed potatoes, in honor of the monster mash that takes place approxmiately one month earlier, and corn. The inclusion of corn stems from it’s alternative name, maze, which was an indication of how difficult it was to find the original Thanksgiving party. Along with other various foods, these elements culminate to form a delicious spread, fit for a king!

But all was not as it seemed that day. Amidst the jovial banter among these two cultures who could not understand one another, a silent cry for help could be heard. Well, not exactly. Cause it was silent. Sensed, perhaps? Yes, we’ll go with sensed. You see, the Mahatma’s daughter, Pochahontas had fallen in love with one of the vikings, Eric the Violet. Unfortunately, and somewhat obviously by his name, Eric was not interested. Naturally, this caused a great rift between the two cultures and a ridiculously huge war ensued. Seeing as how the Indians had nearly a billion people, you would have thought the sheer numbers would destroyed the vikings. But the vikings were mighty warriors (excluding those embarassing losses to Carolina and Chicago), and the war waged on.

Eventually, no one was left. We’re not exactly positive about how everyone on both sides died, but we’re pretty sure it had something to do with nuclear bombs, which were the rage back then. These weapons seem to be coming back into vogue again, so maybe a clearer explanation will make itself known in the years to come. Either way, everyone was dead. Some years later, probably 62.9 by most estimates, the Amish voyaged over, from their homeland of Olde Lancaster. Being the fine craftsmen that they were, they immediately used the wood from the ships and converted them into rocking chairs. It’s also important to note that their old town in Europe was completely burned to the ground and is now known to most as “Paris.”

Anyways, the rest is history. They set up in Lancaster, ride buggies and slow all the traffic down. It’s believed there’s some sort of “Time Warp” over that region, perhaps a remnant of the nuclear explosion of the vikings, that is making the Amish preserve their terribly dated culture. That, and those people really like buttons, so zippers are probably never going to happen there anyway, time warp or no time warp.

It feels like I’m rambling, so I’ll digress. One week from now, the important thing is that we remember our illustrious past and humble beginnings. Remember the great Americans: Ghandi, Eric the Violet, and Amos Stoltzfus (because he was probably one of the Amish folks. I looked up common Amish names, so don’t even test it). And finally remember the true meaning of Thanksgiving: Day of Delicious Stuffing.

Here again we see the distinct connection to the pagan holiday of Halloween and our beloved Thanksgiving. It just makes sense, people. And above, a real algonquin roundtable of Amish gentlemen discussing the important matters of that day: are snap buttons too flashy for their culture? The answer of course, is a resounding “YES.”

Well as many of you already know, I attend the University of Texas at Austin. Yeah, we’re not a real big fan of the “at Austin” part either, but what are you gunna do? Kinda like UNC Chapel Hill, except Chapel Hill sounds slightly awesomer. It’s places like San Antonio and Dallas that are killing us. The baby UT’s, if you will. Anyways… Texas has about a million motto’s including “Hook’em Horns” and “We’re Texas” (I’d like to meet the creative genius behind that one. Almost as bad as “We Are Penn State” but significantly less lame due to the fact that… well, it’s freakin PSU and we have a contraction—an obvious sign of awesomeness.) But a slogan I have not mentioned yet is as follows: “What starts here, changes the world.” A bit arrogant? Perhaps, but c’mon people, I’m in Texas. We’re talking about the state and school that has it’s band create a map of the US on the football field at half time, with an outline of Texas that would make you think it was the entire southern and central US.

Arrogance? Probably. OR IS IT?! Could Texas be planning an overthrow of the world, starting at home in it’s very own country? (I don’t say this too loudly, they’d still like to believe they were their own country.) The answer again, is probably. Here’s some food for thought: Texas is currently #2 in the country in the football BCS poll, as well as the AP, Coaches and Harris polls. Is it all part of an underground nationwide conspiracy to give more and more power to the Texans? Additionally, the pre-season polls for college basketball were just released and (brace yourself,) Texas is again ranked #2 in the country. Another poll lists them at #3, but what’s the difference people? Furthermore, NCAA Hoops braintrust Clark Kellogg has gone on record as stating that the Longhorns could be a Final Four contender this year. What is going ON?!

The eerie conincidences don’t stop there, though. Guess who else is from Texas? The President of the United States, George Bush! Look it up, I’m not even joking. And before he was President, he was the governor! Aaaaand he owned the TEXAS Rangers baseball team. When he leaves office, he will have been President for eight years. Think this is the beginning of a new trend? Think again, stinkoman! The President’s father, also George Bush (we’re looking into this one—same name? I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Theories at the moment include robot replication and perhaps one of them is made from clay. Again, we’re workshopping these ideas.) was also POTUS (Presdient of the United States… [scoff and look of disdain] if you didn’t know that). We’re talking a grand total of 12 of the last 20 years, governed by Texan Presidents!

If your mind isn’t spinning like a top yet, grab onto your chair because this paragraph is about to blow… your… mind. Turn back with me, if you will, to 1960. A new, young President has been elected—John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Fast forward 3 years, our young President is taking a stroll through lovely Dallas, Texas and POW! No more. He was in Texas. His Vice-President, the one who would assume his position? A native TEXAN. Ahhhh! One week from today will be the 42nd year anniversary of this occurrance. I’ll give you a minute to scream in horror. [In the meantime, I'll sing you a tune. "The eyes of Texas are upon you, all the live-long day, the eyes of Texas are upon you, you cannot get away; Do not think you can escape them, at night or early in the morn, the eyes of Texas are upon you, until Gabriel blows his horn!" ... hmm, maybe a poor choice.]

This all getting to be a bit much for you? I’ll wrap things up with a summary then. It has become clear that Texas is planning a global upheaval, begun in national politics and seeping into sports. Think they aren’t capable? They’ve done it before! They were their own country for a while, before we beat their sorry asses. Sam Houston? Crazy. Stephen Austin? Crazy. Santa Anna? Cool name. So you see my point. Just watch your backs, people. They’re all nuts, and not afraid to show you. Basically I’m doing this as a service to the country. The only reasonable thing to do now, is run for your lives. Hey, have a great day.

Poor lil JFK. Didn’t even know he was in the middle of a Texan coup d’etat. Oh, and by the way, the red state is Texas. It’s the one highlighted. In red. For blood. And roses. Like the one in the song, “Kissed By a Rose.”

Alright, well here we are. As we begin another week in November, first let me say… people, my job is very difficult. The creative genius behind this site is none other than myself, and sometimes, my brilliant wit and witticism need a weekend off. Secondly, it’s November. Now, I realize that Texas has a greater global warming effect (see previous post), but still! From what I hear, even my northern friends are experiencing severe non-winter temperatures. When Thanksgiving rolls around, we’ll all be left scratching our heads and perhaps instinctively runnings to the beaches. This could turn into a crisis situation for our coastal cities.

Well, this is all besides the point. I think for this post, considering I couldn’t really come up with anything worthwhile to write, I would make a list of things that have annoyed me recently. Let us begin with people who make noises when they eat [on the bed across the room from you]. Umm… it’s probably one of the most annoying and disgusting things one can ever witness. Like… close your mouth. It’s not that hard to eat like a civilized person. Rather than say… a wild animal, or barbarian.

What’s next? Ah yes! Let’s say, you have several hours between your 9am class and your next class. Let’s also say, you come back to your room for a nap. Then, let’s say someone who lives in your room has a class an hour earlier than yours. And then, when HE or she leaves… he lets the door slam behind him, whereas you, the conscientious person that you are, always make sure to close the door quietly. It’s funny, but it sorta makes you want to forget to close the door quietly the next morning, when you have an 8am class. Of course, this is all hypothetical.

What’s next, what’s next… alright, let’s go with: someone who lives in close quarters with you, who happens to have an affinity for talking to himself. LOUDLY. Sometimes singing. And it’s not good singing. I mean, it’s really, really bad singing. Almost as bad as say… this person’s guitar playing. Or maybe their violin playing. Finding your jaw drop? Well, welcome to my [hypothetical] world. To give you an idea about the musical taste in this strictly hypothetical situation, let’s say that this person happened to have mentioned, “The best song from the ’90s was easily ‘Kissed by a Rose’ by Seal.” Not… a… joke.

You know, I’m sure there’s more I could just “make up” here on the spot, but… for now, I think these are the main things that have been on my strictly pretend, hypothetical chest. Feel free to share your own stories, if you’d like. Of course we will all assume that they’re made up, and not real at all. Or happening. As I’m writing this. Ugh.

Seal. Good looking guy, eh? Uh, yeah. Oh, and grapes are delicious. You know what you make from grapes? WHINE! Ohhh, I’ll be here all week, folks. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses. Try the veal. It’s out of this world.