It’s cold season, folks. Believe me, I know first hand. The runny nose, watery eyes, sneezing… clammy hands, occassional retching, perhaps open sores covering your entire body? Actually, I might classify that last one in another category. Bubonic plague, for instance.

So what can the common man do to fight the common cold… commonly? First, I recommend blowing your nose. What this does, is removes excess mucus, lodged in your brain. By not blowing your nose, you’re allowing mucus and its ugly cousin “snot” to set up shop on your brain and go to town. Here, they form small banquet tables and feast on brain—for days. Though I’m sure it’s delicious, you don’t want this happening to you. Basically, this is the source of headaches: little baby snots eating your brain. That and microscopic goblins with baseball bats banging on your cerebral cortex. See that? Much more technical than you thought, I’m sure.

I also recommend pills. And not just any pills; I’m talkin’ the good ones. Quantity is also important. See, I started out with two Advil Cold & Sinus every 4 hours or so. Face it folks, this is the sissy’s route. Sure, they might provide thirty seconds or so of relief, but before you know it, you’re shoving a Kleenex up both nostrils and holding your mouth open like a dope for oxygen. The pharmacy can’t help you any longer, friends! You’re better off finding somebody else, like say… a dealer. But that word carries a negative connotation. What you’re looking for is somebody who can “make you feel good all the time” and supply you with pills of every color of the rainbow. Don’t be afraid to mix these with alcohol and other medications either. Often that enhances the “effect” and before you know it, your cold is gone and you’re seeing visions of psychedelic sugar plums! Problem solved! Uhh, we here at Jeety’s Joint are not professional doctors, nor are we responsible for any of the “recommendations” we make here at our personal, silly, joke-filled website.

Your last option is a bit of a dramatic choice, but sometimes it’s all you have left—cut off your head. Other than the occassional body ache that might accompany a cold, all of the problem is up in your noggin. You don’t necessarily need it all the time and it would certainly alleviate the congestion. Um, let me know how that goes, for ya.

In short, there’s no good way around a head cold. You gotta tough it out, roll with the punches and any other annoying cliche that applies. Good night, and good luck. (PS– MacKenzie Cotters had a birthday last week on Novermber 22nd and we should all continue the celebration of the glorious occassion! Yaaay Mac! Happy Birthday!!)

Here, a jolly green goblin is enjoying a delicious ale of brainjuice. Mmmm, tastes like knowledge! Also pictured above is a tastey assortment colorful pills. The gel-tabs act quickly, but the solid ones last longer. Really, we leave that choice up to you. And your dealer’s supply, not to mention market price. Make sure to get enough “bang for your buck.”

My sincerest apologies for the extended break from updating my site here, but I’ll be honest, I had more important things to do—friends, family, these types of things. Then again… that’s most of you. So, I’m not real sure what I’m saying here, but the point is, I’m back. I have a solid 3 weeks (exactly, as of last Sunday) to put in here at Austin before the celebration of a lifetime begins over the Christmas month-long break. It was my intention to take a bunch of pictures of break and post them here about my travels, but uh… well that just didn’t happen. For excellence in “trip reporting,” I direct you to Kevin and Jen’s site.

So what good is this site? Just as you might have suspected, this is gripe central. Got a problem, or want to hear about mine? Look no further; you are home. I don’t really think of myself as a whiner, but perhaps I should. Either way, that’s irrelevant. Let’s get right down to it: over this past Thanksgiving break, I did a fair amount of traveling. From Austin to Chicago to Pittsburgh to Chicago to Austin, again. Sounds like a lovely, whirlwind tour of the mid and southwest? Think again, Billy!

We left UT’s campus at 1:25 to head for the Austin-Bergstrom International Airport. This would get us to the airport by about 2pm. Naturally, the bus was packed and I was forced to stand. Ordinarily, no big whoop. Unfortunately, I was positioned directly next to a gentleman with what we call a “B.O. Problem,” and since we were standing, you guessed it, the arms were up, holding the overhead bar. Delicious. Seeing as how the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving is highly documented as the busiest travel day in our nation’s history, we were expecting heavy traffic through the airport security. Our bags were checked and we were waiting at the gate by 2:15. Our flight? 4pm. We spent a decent chunk of time at the glorious dining establishment in the Austin airport, “Wok and Roll.” I recommend the chicken and broccoli. The general tso’s left a little to be desired.

And then it began. We returned to the gate by 3:15, in preparation to board at 3:30. When that time rolled around, we were informed of the first of what would become a glorious pattern for us: delays. Personally, I should have seen this coming. Why, you ask? The leading Congressman from Texas—Tom DELAY. A little too “coincidental” for my tastes. This first one was only a half hour long, but due to “high winds” in Chicago. Now, let me get this straight: the self-proclaimed “Windy City” was having trouble with their WIND? Get it together people. It’s one thing to be windy all the time, but to stir up high winds for tourists and vacationers around the holidays? That’s just tacky.

We arrived in Pittsburgh around 11:40, an hour and twenty minutes later than we were scheduled, but at least it wasn’t Thanksgiving yet. My trip home was great, obviously. Spending time with friends and family, eating foods that taste better than slimy rubber, bowling, and of course the new Harry Potter movie (four stars). Unfortunately however, I did pick up a lovely headcold, possibly from the flight, and possibly from standing outside in 14 degree weather, watching a turkey deep-fry (also four stars).

As I was clothing myself again from going through the metal detectors and thanking the Lord above that I wasn’t sent to the cattle stalls they have set up for those who set off the alarms this time, I was thinking, well at least it’s not snowy today. The woman who we checked our bags with earlier that day, a prophet of some sort, told us that our flight to Chicago would be, you guessed it, delayed. Now, when we went through the little subway ride to Terminal D, we checkd the departing flights and Chicago, O’Hare 6:49 was still listed as “on time.” “She must be crazy,” we all thought. Unfortunately, she was not. We waited an additional hour to take off. Cause for the delay? Heavy traffic. It’s an AIRPORT with SCHEDULED flights! Not an interstate with psychotic drivers! Regardless, we waited.

After finally taking off and landing in Chicago, we were greeted with another delay of an hour. Halfway through that period, they decided to tack on another 45 minutes. Our departure time was 10:48pm, central time. As I sat there sniffling, I began to wonder if this was the worst experience of my life. It seems unlikely, but at the time, nothing else really came to mind. We arrived in Austin at a cheery 2:15am, due to heavy turbulence during the flight. If you’ve ever been in an airport at this hour, you know it’s filled with vampires and zombies, so we got out of there as soon as possible. After taking a cab decorated with glow in the dark stars and what appeared to be mardi gras beads, we got to Sam’s apartment and to bed sometime around 3am. Nothing quite like sleeping on a couch after a long flight.

So what’s my point? Um, basically Chicago needs to get its crap together, before I fly through there again. That, and I’m still in a bit of a haze from a mixture of this cold and lack of sleep. Apologies for the long rant, but the thought of getting on another plane in 3 weeks is about as appealing as a bullet to the brain. Have a great day everyone! Oh, and happy birthday to Erika Reed! :)

Well, we’ve begun the Thanksgiving week, and what better way to kick-off the week than a trip down history lane. Tonight is the Annual Texas Hex Rally, where thousands of UT students go to the Main Mall on the campus to perform a seance, which in effect, curses the football team of Texas A&M. Though, it’s highly unlikely that the 3-4 Aggies will need any “hexing” for this upcoming game, any reason to congregate on the Main Mall by the Tower is good enough, not to mention the 64 years of tradition. So without further ado, I give you the story:

On Thanksgiving Day, 1941, UT was to travel to College Station to take on the Texas Aggies. Texas A & M was having a banner season. Undefeated and ranked second in the nation by the AP, the Aggies had already won the Southwest Conference Championship. They also had a jinx on the Longhorns.

Since 1923 - for 18 years - the Longhorns had been unable to win a game at Kyle Field. Desperate to break the College Station “jinx,” UT students consulted Madam Agusta Hipple, a local fortune teller. She instructed the students to burn red candles the week before the game as a way of “hexing” the Aggies and putting a stop to the jinx.

Through the week of Thanksgiving, Austin shops found it difficult to keep red candles in stock. Candles were burned in store windows along the Drag, in the fraternity and sorority houses of west campus, in the lounges of University residence halls, and in the windows of houses of Austin’s neighborhoods. Madam Hipple knew what she was doing. By uniting the football team and its fans with such a visible show of support, how could the Longhorns fail?

They didn’t. Texas went to College Station, defeated the no. 2 ranked Aggies 23 - 0, ended the 18-year jinx, and restored their pride as the AP’s final poll listed Texas as no. 4.

Above we see Texas quarterback Vince Young, and coach Mack Brown. They’re expecting their first child in late spring. Also depicted is our President, George W. Bush. His daughter Jenna attended UT and graduated with a B.A. in Alcoholic Consumption.

Hello, there. Please… have a seat. What’s that? Oh, you’re already sitting? Well I guess that makes sense. Anyways, welcome to a very special edition of Jeety’s Joint. Today, I’d like to take just a few moments and reflect on the event about to take place, exactly one week from today.

Thanksgiving. A national holiday of great significance in our country’s history. But what really took place all those thousands of years ago when the mighty vikings conquered the Atlantic and broke bread with the natives, known as “Indians,” such as Ghandi. The truth is, we know very little. There’s a belief that ancient scribes used a chisel technique on large stone tablets to document the event, but it is also believed that these tablets have been worn away, by thousands, if not millions of years of erosion. That really doesn’t matter, however. We’re capable of completely manufacturing our own history, thank you very much. “Thanksgiving” is America’s “Aeneid,” if you will.

Let’s start with the name itself: Thanksgiving. It’s a little known fact that this is actually greek for “Day of Delicious Stuffing.” Over the generations that have followed, the focus of the culture has shifted in a distinctly “pro-bird” direction, and turkey became the primary dish, rather than it’s traditional role as a vessel for the stuffing. Other foods typically enjoyed on this day include some variation of cranberries, in honor of the Irish rock band of the same name, mashed potatoes, in honor of the monster mash that takes place approxmiately one month earlier, and corn. The inclusion of corn stems from it’s alternative name, maze, which was an indication of how difficult it was to find the original Thanksgiving party. Along with other various foods, these elements culminate to form a delicious spread, fit for a king!

But all was not as it seemed that day. Amidst the jovial banter among these two cultures who could not understand one another, a silent cry for help could be heard. Well, not exactly. Cause it was silent. Sensed, perhaps? Yes, we’ll go with sensed. You see, the Mahatma’s daughter, Pochahontas had fallen in love with one of the vikings, Eric the Violet. Unfortunately, and somewhat obviously by his name, Eric was not interested. Naturally, this caused a great rift between the two cultures and a ridiculously huge war ensued. Seeing as how the Indians had nearly a billion people, you would have thought the sheer numbers would destroyed the vikings. But the vikings were mighty warriors (excluding those embarassing losses to Carolina and Chicago), and the war waged on.

Eventually, no one was left. We’re not exactly positive about how everyone on both sides died, but we’re pretty sure it had something to do with nuclear bombs, which were the rage back then. These weapons seem to be coming back into vogue again, so maybe a clearer explanation will make itself known in the years to come. Either way, everyone was dead. Some years later, probably 62.9 by most estimates, the Amish voyaged over, from their homeland of Olde Lancaster. Being the fine craftsmen that they were, they immediately used the wood from the ships and converted them into rocking chairs. It’s also important to note that their old town in Europe was completely burned to the ground and is now known to most as “Paris.”

Anyways, the rest is history. They set up in Lancaster, ride buggies and slow all the traffic down. It’s believed there’s some sort of “Time Warp” over that region, perhaps a remnant of the nuclear explosion of the vikings, that is making the Amish preserve their terribly dated culture. That, and those people really like buttons, so zippers are probably never going to happen there anyway, time warp or no time warp.

It feels like I’m rambling, so I’ll digress. One week from now, the important thing is that we remember our illustrious past and humble beginnings. Remember the great Americans: Ghandi, Eric the Violet, and Amos Stoltzfus (because he was probably one of the Amish folks. I looked up common Amish names, so don’t even test it). And finally remember the true meaning of Thanksgiving: Day of Delicious Stuffing.

Here again we see the distinct connection to the pagan holiday of Halloween and our beloved Thanksgiving. It just makes sense, people. And above, a real algonquin roundtable of Amish gentlemen discussing the important matters of that day: are snap buttons too flashy for their culture? The answer of course, is a resounding “YES.”

Well as many of you already know, I attend the University of Texas at Austin. Yeah, we’re not a real big fan of the “at Austin” part either, but what are you gunna do? Kinda like UNC Chapel Hill, except Chapel Hill sounds slightly awesomer. It’s places like San Antonio and Dallas that are killing us. The baby UT’s, if you will. Anyways… Texas has about a million motto’s including “Hook’em Horns” and “We’re Texas” (I’d like to meet the creative genius behind that one. Almost as bad as “We Are Penn State” but significantly less lame due to the fact that… well, it’s freakin PSU and we have a contraction—an obvious sign of awesomeness.) But a slogan I have not mentioned yet is as follows: “What starts here, changes the world.” A bit arrogant? Perhaps, but c’mon people, I’m in Texas. We’re talking about the state and school that has it’s band create a map of the US on the football field at half time, with an outline of Texas that would make you think it was the entire southern and central US.

Arrogance? Probably. OR IS IT?! Could Texas be planning an overthrow of the world, starting at home in it’s very own country? (I don’t say this too loudly, they’d still like to believe they were their own country.) The answer again, is probably. Here’s some food for thought: Texas is currently #2 in the country in the football BCS poll, as well as the AP, Coaches and Harris polls. Is it all part of an underground nationwide conspiracy to give more and more power to the Texans? Additionally, the pre-season polls for college basketball were just released and (brace yourself,) Texas is again ranked #2 in the country. Another poll lists them at #3, but what’s the difference people? Furthermore, NCAA Hoops braintrust Clark Kellogg has gone on record as stating that the Longhorns could be a Final Four contender this year. What is going ON?!

The eerie conincidences don’t stop there, though. Guess who else is from Texas? The President of the United States, George Bush! Look it up, I’m not even joking. And before he was President, he was the governor! Aaaaand he owned the TEXAS Rangers baseball team. When he leaves office, he will have been President for eight years. Think this is the beginning of a new trend? Think again, stinkoman! The President’s father, also George Bush (we’re looking into this one—same name? I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Theories at the moment include robot replication and perhaps one of them is made from clay. Again, we’re workshopping these ideas.) was also POTUS (Presdient of the United States… [scoff and look of disdain] if you didn’t know that). We’re talking a grand total of 12 of the last 20 years, governed by Texan Presidents!

If your mind isn’t spinning like a top yet, grab onto your chair because this paragraph is about to blow… your… mind. Turn back with me, if you will, to 1960. A new, young President has been elected—John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Fast forward 3 years, our young President is taking a stroll through lovely Dallas, Texas and POW! No more. He was in Texas. His Vice-President, the one who would assume his position? A native TEXAN. Ahhhh! One week from today will be the 42nd year anniversary of this occurrance. I’ll give you a minute to scream in horror. [In the meantime, I'll sing you a tune. "The eyes of Texas are upon you, all the live-long day, the eyes of Texas are upon you, you cannot get away; Do not think you can escape them, at night or early in the morn, the eyes of Texas are upon you, until Gabriel blows his horn!" ... hmm, maybe a poor choice.]

This all getting to be a bit much for you? I’ll wrap things up with a summary then. It has become clear that Texas is planning a global upheaval, begun in national politics and seeping into sports. Think they aren’t capable? They’ve done it before! They were their own country for a while, before we beat their sorry asses. Sam Houston? Crazy. Stephen Austin? Crazy. Santa Anna? Cool name. So you see my point. Just watch your backs, people. They’re all nuts, and not afraid to show you. Basically I’m doing this as a service to the country. The only reasonable thing to do now, is run for your lives. Hey, have a great day.

Poor lil JFK. Didn’t even know he was in the middle of a Texan coup d’etat. Oh, and by the way, the red state is Texas. It’s the one highlighted. In red. For blood. And roses. Like the one in the song, “Kissed By a Rose.”

Alright, well here we are. As we begin another week in November, first let me say… people, my job is very difficult. The creative genius behind this site is none other than myself, and sometimes, my brilliant wit and witticism need a weekend off. Secondly, it’s November. Now, I realize that Texas has a greater global warming effect (see previous post), but still! From what I hear, even my northern friends are experiencing severe non-winter temperatures. When Thanksgiving rolls around, we’ll all be left scratching our heads and perhaps instinctively runnings to the beaches. This could turn into a crisis situation for our coastal cities.

Well, this is all besides the point. I think for this post, considering I couldn’t really come up with anything worthwhile to write, I would make a list of things that have annoyed me recently. Let us begin with people who make noises when they eat [on the bed across the room from you]. Umm… it’s probably one of the most annoying and disgusting things one can ever witness. Like… close your mouth. It’s not that hard to eat like a civilized person. Rather than say… a wild animal, or barbarian.

What’s next? Ah yes! Let’s say, you have several hours between your 9am class and your next class. Let’s also say, you come back to your room for a nap. Then, let’s say someone who lives in your room has a class an hour earlier than yours. And then, when HE or she leaves… he lets the door slam behind him, whereas you, the conscientious person that you are, always make sure to close the door quietly. It’s funny, but it sorta makes you want to forget to close the door quietly the next morning, when you have an 8am class. Of course, this is all hypothetical.

What’s next, what’s next… alright, let’s go with: someone who lives in close quarters with you, who happens to have an affinity for talking to himself. LOUDLY. Sometimes singing. And it’s not good singing. I mean, it’s really, really bad singing. Almost as bad as say… this person’s guitar playing. Or maybe their violin playing. Finding your jaw drop? Well, welcome to my [hypothetical] world. To give you an idea about the musical taste in this strictly hypothetical situation, let’s say that this person happened to have mentioned, “The best song from the ’90s was easily ‘Kissed by a Rose’ by Seal.” Not… a… joke.

You know, I’m sure there’s more I could just “make up” here on the spot, but… for now, I think these are the main things that have been on my strictly pretend, hypothetical chest. Feel free to share your own stories, if you’d like. Of course we will all assume that they’re made up, and not real at all. Or happening. As I’m writing this. Ugh.

Seal. Good looking guy, eh? Uh, yeah. Oh, and grapes are delicious. You know what you make from grapes? WHINE! Ohhh, I’ll be here all week, folks. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses. Try the veal. It’s out of this world.

Science. You can’t stop science. It can’t be stopped. Nope, can’t stop it. Science, that is.

Well, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get right down to it: global warming—run for the hills!!! You know how if you put a frog in boiling water it’ll jump right out, but if you put it in cool water and gently heat it to a boil, it’ll just sit there and roast? Well, that’s probably us. Nobody really knows anything, actually, but let’s just say that that is the case. Why all the long faces, everybody?! We should be celebrating! Now granted, those of you who really enjoy icey death traps in the form of cars on roads, giant icicles falling from buildings and crushing everything in their paths, and being snowed in and forced to eat your own arm for sustenance, then I guess global warming is bad news.

But for the rest of us: PARTAY! Throw out your sweatshirts, pants and long-sleeved anything because it’s about to get toasty! Not so fast though. See, I have a unique experience, living here in Texas. And I’ve discovered something that no scientist will tell you. It is my theory, that the further south you go, the more “global warming” there is! It’s true! Check out this map, it backs me up:

So really, you northerners (i.e. the majority of you reading this) shouldn’t be roasting that big pig on the spit just yet. See, I’ve discovered that it’s cooler in the north and wamer in the south. Global warming is the obvious explanation of this. Not only that, but it appears these “Dastardly” (copyright: Geraldo Rivera) global warming effects are more obvious around a region known as “the equator.” Now, very little is known about this turbulent region, but from what I hear, it gets hot there. So basically my warning is this: if you’re a killer giant icicle lover, I’d avoid this region. Your politics aren’t really welcome, among global warming lovers in the south.

I’m not really sure why there’s all this talk about global warming anyway. After all, I’ve only made 19 trips around the sun, but in my experience, I’ve noticed global warming, every year! Well, almost every year. Those first few years there was a lot of drooling and staring off into space. But after that, it seemed like around April/May, global warming seized the Earth in all it’s glory. And then around October, it had had enough and just gave up for a while. You know what that means? Global warming brings long breaks from school, vacations and extensive time at the pool. What’s there to not like?! Take my advice and vote pro-global warming. If there’s an election. That has global warming running against global cooling. I’ve also included this delightful image. Clearly, global warming is also a really good dancer (you gotta click it!) Chalk another one up for my boy GW! [Paid for by friends of Global Warming '06]

AUSTIN, Nov. 8— In light of recent attacks on the campus of The University of Texas, at Austin, the terrorist level threat has been raised to “Fairly Significant,” not so coincidently a blend of the orange level of “High” and the red level of “Severe,” thusly producing: burnt orange, “Fairly Significant.” In a stunning gesture of school spirit, University President, Larry R. Faulkner praised the decision for a “Burnt Orange” level of alert.

These events have all stemmed from recent bus attacks on civilians. Bombings? No, no. Actual buses attacking people. It’s an epidemic on the grounds. Crosswalks are no longer safe, and to be honest, using the sidewalks are a bit of a risk as well. Do not take this lightly: the people driving those buses WILL KILL YOU in order to get to the stop on time. Above we see a picture of a group of students approaching the fountain from San Jacinto Blvd. They didn’t even see it coming. It was a beautiful service.

. . . nothin’ else mattered!

Oh, hello there. Funny you caught me singing like that, I uh… I don’t normally, um… Well anyways. Welcome to another installment of Jeety’s Joint. Today I wish to share with you a labor of love. My staff here and Jeety’s Joint has been working around the clock for the past year and a half to compile a listing of the some of the greatest poets/minds of the post-modern era. Below you will find words so elloquently expressed, you will be left both dumbfounded and amazed. But don’t take my word for it, enjoy them for yourself.

First, let me point out that these are in now way, shape or form a “ranking” or listing of coolest to awesomest. Rather, they are placed in random order, so as to be viewed collectively, in their majesty. With that out of the way, I give you our first quote, from the self-proclaimed poet herself, Miss Stevie Nicks. In need of a quote for a term paper about a fire? (Seems likely. . .) Look no further!

“I don’t like fire in the real dictionary reading of the meaning of the word fire. I’m afraid to death of fire, I will never die by fire. I’ve only been in one fire and I was only about six and I will never forget it– that’s not true, I’ve been in two. My garage burned and and it was a massive fire and I was not 2 or 4, I was 28 or 30, actually. . . . I didn’t know what to take, I was running around the room going ‘well, let’s see, the house is burning, it must be because the back yard is completley on fire, so the house must be burning too, so what do I do? What in these arms can I carry? What if the stairs are on fire?’ I didn’t know because I was only in my bedroom, so what I did was I grabbed my dog, my cashmere blanket, my writing, my tapes, my semi-absolute precious jewelry which all fit in a tiny little thing. And I just said goodbye, I’ve loved you all and everything that is left here, I’m sorry, I can’t carry you down, but I can’t, but I’ll get down, I’ll get out if I have to scale this side of this wall. I’ll get out, I will not die in this fire.” –Stevie Nicks, 1989. [Um. Yeah. That's real, people. Thank the good Lord above she's off the coke, these days.]

Next is a quote from one of the great journalists of our time. Stephen Colbert, host of the The Colbert Report, seen on America’s leading news channel Comedy Central, asks those hard hitting questions that leave the audience wanting more. Here, we find him asking questions to a US Congresswoman from Ohio about issues all American’s are interested in:

“Twenty-two astronauts hail from Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the earth?” –Stephen Colbert, 2005. [Indeed! An inquisitive mind such as his is a high commodity in today's media. We thank you Mr. Colbert, for your tact in handling such a difficult subject matter as this. (okay, his is actually a joke, but it was so funny I felt the need to include it.)]

Next is a quote from the man I like to call, “The One We Let Get Away,” former Vice-President, Al Gore. Perhaps you’re writing a paper on religion and you need someone’s unique stance on the scripture? Without further ado, I give you. . . Algore:

“Speaking from my own religious tradition in this Christmas season, 2,000 years ago a homeless woman gave birth to a homeless child in a manger because the inn was full.” –Al Gore, 1997. [You know, that's interesting. I guess I must have missed that part about the Christ's (that was their last name, right Al?) being homeless. Perhaps his "Bible of Cheap Political Points" has a different translation?]

And finally, we come to one of the greatest conversations ever held on this planet we so fondly call Earth. Relevant to a biology lab report or something of this nature, this conversation between Frank Costanza and his son’s fiance’s parents, The Ross’s, is truly a great dialogue for the books.

Frank: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who’s having sex with the hen?
George: Why don’t we talk about it another time.
Frank: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something’s missing!
Mrs. Ross: Something’s missing all right.
Mr. Ross: They’re all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.
Frank: That’s perverse!
–Seinfeld, 1996. [If only the conversation had maybe lasted a little while longer, we could have found answers to the age-old questions of nature and quite possibly even resolved the ancient court battle of "Chicken v. Egg." Alas, we are left just to wonder.]

Well, I hope these quotes have both intrigued and illuminated your minds. I have no doubt that within a short period of time you’ll be dropping these quotes in casual conversation—and please do! The betterment of our society depends upon it. Signing off, this is Jeety hisself. Peace out, “ya’ll” as they say in these parts.

You practically HAVE to be a cokehead to dance around on stage and come up with an outfit like that. Not to mention scream bloody murder during “Rhiannon” night after night.

Well folks, it’s Sunday. Approximately 18 days until Thanksgiving, which will of course be a party, due to my return to the homeland. Anyways, before I begin, I need to invoke the muse of my website… In the words of Frank Costanza during his celebratory winter holiday of Festivus, “I got a lot of problems with you people… and now you’re gunna hear about’em!”

Now that that’s out of the way, we can move onward. Texas. Where do I begin? It’s really big. But that’s been covered. My goal here is to reveal the issues the media is NOT covering. Let’s begin with the wild pack of cowboy’s roaming this state’s barren wastelands. They’re everywhere, these days. Though the Indian population is mounting a considerable counteroffensive, it seems that the wooden arrows and fishing spears touted by the Indians are no match for the rifles and cannons of the cowboys. You’ll have to check me on this data, but I’m pretty sure it’s accurate and up to date.

Epidemic #2: The University of Texas at Austin, home to one of the first recorded mass killings in the country. Here in lovely Austin, we are home to a delightful clock tower that presides high above the normal sightline. One day in 1966, some fella (an engineering major, no less, named Charles Whitman) decided to climb the tower and start pickin’ people off, left and right. That’s really not the interesting part though. The best part of the story is how this situation was ended. Having heard that there was a crazed lunatic atop the tower, a group of civilians decided to “take up arms” against this armed menace. This is 1966, mind you. Anyways, this band of vigilantes began firing wildly into the sky in an attempt to kill the crazed shooter. I’ll allow the online encyclopedia, Wikipedia, to explain the rest: “The sniping continued until the observation deck was reached by four men. . . . The two police officers, Martinez and McCoy made their way to the northeast corner of the deck and spotted Whitman west of them. Martinez emptied his .38 revolver, merely pinning down Whitman. Then McCoy fired his shotgun, hitting Whitman in the head twice. Martinez then grabbed McCoy’s shotgun, ran west, and shot point-blank at Whitman’s corpse. . . Waving a towel that he found nearby, Officer Jerry Day signaled to the ground that the crisis was over.” Ahh, the sweet sounds of Texas Justice!

While I do have more tales from these peaceful lands, I believe I shall call it a day for now, and perhaps leave some of my other stories for a later time. Until then, I leave you with more words of wisdom from Mr. Frank Costanza, “I wasn’t born here so I can’t be President. That’s why I don’t vote. If they don’t want me, I don’t want them!”

One of the remnants of the great cowboy wars.