First, allow me to apologize for the long gap between posts. The reason for this was several-fold. First, the relevance and importance of my most recent post before today’s was so significant, I could not bury it below a pile of the daily crap I churn out here at Jeety’s Joint. Second, contrary to popular belief, from time to time, I have a life. This happens to be my “busy season.” But don’t worry, I’m sure once I head back to the land of warmth I’ll post with more regularity. And third, you don’t know me. So, I think that should cover it.

Anyways, the reason for this post is just to wish everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS! And of course Happy Channukah and Kwanza to my large Jewish and African American fan base*. Next week I’ll be sure to have some sort of post… a year in review type or perhaps a Q&A with the President.** So until then, have a happy and safe holiday season everybody!!

*Line stolen from Scott Bechdel’s holiday blog.
**President of what, yet to be determined.

There’s no point in trying to deny the fact that Duke sucks, as a people. Everyone should hate them, and I mean everyone. Literally no good can come from that cesspool that is Durham, North Carolina. See below:

It’s beautiful this time of year, Durham is. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a Duke student before. I’m sure if I did, I would be highly motivated to kill him. Seriously, all that hopping up and down during the basketball games… calm the flip down! No one thinks you’re cool. In fact, you’re giving college basketball a black eye and the pharmaceutical companies another reason to peddle Riddlin like they’re skittles. Chill out and watch the game like normal human beings. Sure fans get excited, but bouncing up and down like that is only understandable when dealing with 13 year-old girls at an ‘Nsync “concert.” Period.

Alright, who’s next? Coach “K.” What a load of crap that is. K? Are you kidding me? The guy’s name is “Sha-chef-ski,” and he has the gall to have people call him “Coach K,” because his “last name starts with K.” Do you have any idea how “Sha-chef-ski” is actually spelled? Krzyzewski. What… the hell… is that? Last time I checked, “K” started words like kazoo, kleptomaniac (Winona Ryder!) and KILLDUKE (it’s new in Webster’s this year, check it out). Not the “sh-” sound which starts certain words, some more famous than others. Anyways, the point is, we’re all tired of your crap, Coach K. Not only that, but there is talk around the NCAA that he’s breaking certain rules coaching Duke, and has been for years. What violation? Well I’m going to have to break it down for you. Basically, we’re all in the animal kingdom and phylum: animal and chordate (animals with backbones). However, differences in Coach K’s genetics appear at the next stage: class. All of us are “mammals,” whereas Mr. Sha-chef-ski displays strong characteristics of the bird class. These are egg-layers, with feathers. It’s well documented that NCAA rules strictly forbid birds from coaching any collegiate sport. Below is a startling family photograph of Coach K and his sister, Matilda:

Creepy, ain’t it? BA-KAWWW!!!! And finally, I’d like to analyze a bit further the actual players on the court. The big star is J. J. Reddick. “J. J.” Isn’t that cute? I think that stands for Jane Joyce. You know why? CAUSE HE’S A LADY! When not on the court, he enjoys wearing dresses, knitting and shopping with the gals. Sheldon Williams, center for Duke, is a whole other story. “Sheldon.” Come on, mom and dad, you’re just setting him up for failure. I mean, you can’t even make a nickname out of that… Shelly? LADY! It’s most unfortunate, indeed.

One thing we can say for sure is that Duke will undoubtedly screw up at some point. I mean, this is the team that had to hit a shot from half-court to beat Virginia Tech. Please, quite kidding yourselves. Why am I writing this? Sure, they may have beaten my Longhorns, but it “ain’t no thang,” as the kids day. We’ll see what’s up in March. Oh, and Duke, how did your football team do this year? Oh? Well how about the NCAA baseball tournament in the summer? Not so good? Not even included? Oh, that’s unfortunate. HA! Well I think that’s all I have for now. If you too hate Duke, feel free to share your thoughts. If you like Duke… I’ll pray for you.

Hmm, Mr. J. J. seems a bit intimate with his fellow basketball players. Anyone’s eyebrows raising? Rumor has it, engagement this spring after the season dies down. Also seen above is the teams center, Sheldon. He can be seen each morning on “Wake Up Wakefield,” the morning news report for Wakefield Middle School.

AUSTIN, Dec. 8 — I am reporting live from the middle of the devastation that is Austin, Texas right now. Just a few short hours ago, this up-and-coming metropolis, home to many a yuppy, underwent low temperatures that were (and I’m not exaggerating) BELOW FREEZING! Throughout the morning hours, temperatures ranged anywhere in the 20’s, but with windchills, dipped into the teens.

Though there was scarcely a trace of any form of precipitation, the entire University of Texas with its 52,000 students SHUT DOWN COMPLETELY. Says one mass email sent out by Jester R.A.’s, “Due to inclement weather in the Austin area, many of our staff are not able to get to work.” (This is real.) Several of the dining halls on campus have shut down and those running are being manned at what would appear to be minimum capacity. This naturally proves problematic, as EVERYONE HAS TO EAT THERE.

The delays began yesterday afternoon when all classes after 2pm on Wednesday the 7th were officially canceled. This cancelation of University events continued through the night, up until 10am classes the following day—today. All of these decisions were solely based on the brilliant minds of Al Roker and the godfather of weather, Willard Scott. The godfather of soul, James Brown, was unavailable for comment. Furthermore, when school officials awoke this morning and stepped outside for their morning paper, they immediately crapped thier pants. Without hesitation, all classes for Thursday, December 8th were canceled, and it was declared a snow day. Minus the snow. Plus the sun.

There’s no telling if and when the city will get back on its feet agian. Funds formerly set aside for victims of the Katrina disaster are now being funneled to Austin residents, most of whom are experiencing some form of severe shock. Personally, I have been outside to pick up my daily copy of the New York Times and it felt toasty, compared to a certain Thanksgiving Day nearer to da ‘Burgh.

The people of this great city of Austin are asking for your help. Actually, no… they’re also Texans, which makes them ridiculously stubborn. So I have been sent to ask for help on thier behalf. In the words of Boy George, George Michael, David Bowie and Sting (among others, but this is clearly the gay contingent of the group), “Feed the world. Let them know it’s Christmastime again!”

Above left we see the icon of the University of Texas, the famous Tower, now lying in ruin. This photograph was taken shortly after the devastating cold temperatures hit the region. Desolate and empty, the campus is crying out for aid. Band Aid. And above right, we see those hit worst by the chilling temperatures, the shanty-dwellers. They set up this large boxes, anchored by pieces of wood, right in front of the gym. It’s annoying. I would assume most of them were wiped out last night anyways, so… problem solved. Merry Christmas.

I don’t have much time, people. These two weeks coming up are going to be, in a word, hellacious. But, seeing as how I have fans that I can’t disappoint, here I am. Briefly.

School is the devil. Why? We plod along, all semester working diligently on our assingments, tests and other various school-related thingies. And here we are, the Advent Season! And do you know what they’re doing? They’re giving us FINAL tests. This my friends, is a grave injustice against the student body. It’s two weeks before flipping Christmas break and I have 2 tests, 1 project and potentially 4 finals. SMACKDOWN! From the man!

Here’s what I suggest. We rise up against the establishment, and rather than having tests, we have a two-week festival. A festival of lights. No, wait… that’s taken. Um, a festival of not learning. We already did that. And there will be singing and dancing and smoked meats! O what a joyous occassion! (Notice how around the holidays the “H” from “oh” is dropped? O Little Town of Bethlehem. Weird.)

I’ll meet you all out on the lawn. You’ll find it, just follow the hippies and the “We Shall Overcome” banners.

Mmmmm. Any cause fighting for smoked meats is a just cause.