Merry Christmas from us here at Jeety’s Joint!

I hope everyone is having a safe and happy holiday and new year. I’ll certainly be back by mid-January, if not sooner. Until then, enjoy yourselves and see you soon.

I have no desire to study for finals at this particular moment… which is pretty much every moment… but anyway, I thought I’d spend a little time at da Joint this afternoon. Indeed, it is finals week here at Texas. Well, sort of–for some reason ours start in the middle of the week and overlap into the next week… Luckily though, I’m done on Saturday and fly home that night. So Monday and Tuesday are dead days, where you’re supposed to… do work and study and stuff, I guess? Sort of ridiculous, if you ask me.

Anyway, with Christmas right around the corner, I thought I’d hook you guys up. I’ve spent the last 2o years of my life (or um, mostly this weekend) compiling the best Christmas songs out there. Now of course these lists always come under close scrutiny and everything but since it’s my list… it is correct and should not be challenged. So anyway, I’ve put together a “cd’s worth” of songs for you all to go out and buy, steal or borrow (I have all of these, I think, so you know… if you want them, I can hooks you up). Here we go:

Jeety’s Ultimate Christmas Mix Hits Compilation CD list of songs (or JUCMHCCDLOS, for short):

1. Christmas All Over Again — Tom Petty: We start off with a nice uptempo number (When did they stop calling songs “numbers”? The ’40s? Okay, just checking.)

2. Santa Claus is Coming to Town — Bruce Springsteen: Another rockin’ jam. This was a huge hit for The Boss in Germany under the title “Sinter Claus Com Das Village.”

3. Have A Holly Jolly Christmas — Burl Ives: This one goes out to you traditionalists. A classic song from everyone’s favorite Communist. Oh, the irony…

4. What Christmas Means to Me — Stevie Wonder: This is a great song, used by… you know, Gap or Old Navy or one of those pretty much every year. Does Stevie write his songs in braile?

5. Little Saint Nick — The Beach Boys: Another great one. They used this in a Coke commercial last year… the one where the baby polar bear makes friends with the gaggle of penguins, rather than tearing into them as he might in real life. ‘Tis the Season!

6. O Come, O Come Emmanuel — Sufjan Stevens: A classic song with a contemporary twist. It’s excellent.

7. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas — Coldplay: This one is listed as Coldplay but I’m pretty sure it’s just Chris Martin playing at the piano. It’s really, really good though. If you hadn’t noticed, we’ve slowed the tempo a bit recently.

8. Love Came Down at Christmas — Shawn Colvin: Okay, this is actually my favorite Christmas song ever. It’s unbelievable… and sung in a round-fashion toward the end… Wonderful.

9. Merry Christmas Baby — Bruce Springsteen: The Boss is back and this time with yet another exciting tune. He gets the crowd involved in this one, too. (Actually, both of his are live, I believe.)

10. Sleigh Ride — Ella Fitzgerald: I got this one from the Elf Soundtrack (2nd best Christmas movie, next to National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation). A classic, as well.

11. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) — Deathcab for Cutie: Unbelievably, they do a better job with this song than U2… I find that disturbing, but still, that should vouch for how good it is.

12. Come On! Let’s Boogy to the Elf Dance! — Sufjan Stevens: I’m not sure what to say about this one other than it’s sort of odd but cool at the same time. I think he mixes at least two different songs into this one.

13. Christmas Don’t Be Late — Alvin & the Chipmunks: No Christmas collection is complete without this one. “I still want a hula-hoop” is the greatest line from any Christmas song ever.

14. All I Want for Christmas is You — Mariah Carey: Alright, she’s on the list, sue me. It’s not “Glitter” at least? You have to admit that this is a good Christmas song, though? ….right?

15. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree — Brenda Lee: We finish up on another classic–a staple in any good Christmas movie or TV show.

Well, that’s the list. I’m sure some of you are disappointed that your favorites aren’t on there, well… tough. This is the only correct list out there, so… maybe next time? That’s what this Season is all about, anyway: one person being right and everyone else dealing with it. That’s my feeling when picking out presents, at least. Also, I feel I need to add a couple honorable mentions to this list…

*Whatever that song was that the string ensemble played at the Christmas Eve service that was unrecognizable to human ears. Special props go out to the Thomas goon and his mad String Bass skills.
*Whatever song that the Diaz woman sang at another Christmas Eve service… it was an Amy Grant cover, something about Mary… It was… so good..? The best part of that whole story is the fact that she went up to Mrs. Borza after the service and said something along the lines of “Yeah, most people don’t know how good of a singer I am.” Priceless.

That’s it for now. If I decide grades aren’t important at some other point during finals week, then I’ll be back!

Again, everyone’s favorite Communist caroler… You take away that little Frosty figurine and it’s freakin Stalin standing there. Could that beanie GET any more Soviet?? And finally, this AWESOME church sign I found… I swear to you, the Internet never disappoints when it comes to the true meaning of Christmas. Mmm, the fear of eternal damnation has me feeling all warm inside!

My, my, my… We’re six days into December and I’ve not yet updated the Joint… this is most unfortunate. The worst part is, I’ve had things to write about, but no time! Being busy is for the birds (alliteration!), my friends. Oh well, what can you do? ‘Tis the season, I’m afraid. I’m pretty sure around this time last year I made some claim about how ridiculous it is that schools give final exams so close to the birth of baby Jesus–I’m sticking to that assessment. Also, the other day I was thinking… If we lived in the southern hemisphere, I bet the whole school calendar would be different. As it is now, it makes zero sense. Here’s what they should do: start the school year at… the beginning of the year! Imagine that. Or, you know, sometime shortly after the beginning of the year. That way, they have school all through their winter (June, July, August) and then their BIG break is like November, December, January. This eliminates all stress around Thanksgiving and Christmas. Admit it, the idea is genius. The only problem is that since we basically own the southern hemisphere, they have no originality and do whatever we do. So they’re stuck. I should also point out that I’ve not looked any of this up and if they DO work on a different schedule in places like Australia, then… good.

Anyway, that’s not why I’m writing today. (Though it IS one of the world’s most important issues). On Saturday, 049 Moore-Hill had an unexpected visitor. Bono? Stevie Nicks? Jerry Seinfeld? Jesus? Yes, but that’s not what I’m writing about either. As Eliot and I were watching the Longhorns lose yet another basketball game, we saw something fall down into our window well. Maybe saw is the wrong verb… “sensed,” perhaps. Cause neither of us were exactly sure what was in there. As we inched closer to the window, we saw it: a squirrel, running around like a chicken with its head cut off (if you can mix rodents with poultry metaphors). He didn’t know how, but that squirrel wanted OUT! I’ve included the estimated trajectory of the squirrel as he plummeted into our window well and consequently, our hearts. (The next Hallmark Hall of Fame Classic Movie)

So, after the bewilderment wore off, I went up to the front desk to inform that that a squirrel had attempted suicide by window well in our room and was unable to get himself out. Once the laughter died down (and I believe it was laughing AT, not with…), the front desk guy and his friend Cat (meow!) came down to the Dungeon, literally the only place where this could happen, to check it out. So, they left and after probably a half an hour a so, Cat (meow!) came back to our room to inform us that the rescue attempt was beginning. They had called Animal Control to check how they should attempt this and here’s what the guy told them: “You need to get a box and string so you can lower it and pull it up. Put nuts in the box to entice the squirrel, or he won’t go in.” [This is a dramatization based on what I figure the Animal Control guy said, based on Cat's (meow!) description of the conversation.] So the guys (they also got the head RA in on this action) got one of those mail boxes… the kind that are in the bottoms of the big blue mail boxes out in front of the post-office. They’re whitish and have two handles on the sides. They looped the string through these handles and chose the pistachio as their nut of choice to entice the squirrel. As they lowered the box, the squirrel, who had been hiding behind our ladder and was trembling for a solid half hour, began freaking OUT again. As the box got closer and closer to the bottom, the squirrel began to repel off the wall… I guess he decided to hide the fact that he was incredibly experienced in the art of spelunking. From the floor to the right side wall to the middle rung of the ladder, the squirrel literally flew through the air in rapid movements that could only be described as supersonic. From the middle rung, the squirrel launched himself up and out of the well, as if he could have done this all along. Ridiculous.

The guys standing at the top moved quickly to avoid the squirrel, insane and probably near cardiac arrest. I mean, I didn’t care that he just decided to reveal his ability to get out of there all along until the pistachios started falling into the well… But I guess if I had spent a half hour talking to Animal Control and builting this contraption, I would be a little annoyed. Maybe the squirrel acutally couldn’t get out until he felt like the postal box was being lowered to eat him. You know, like those moms that lift cars off their babies that you always hear about. (Seriously, we need to stop using this example because I have NEVER heard of it actually happening. Ever.)

Anyway, that is story one. Story two involves me going to the Undergraduate Writing Center (UWC) to attempt tutoring. This is the culmination of a semester’s worth of work in a Rhetoric class, training me to be a tutor who is assigned to a class next semester. But to get practical experience before next semester, we were assigned to go to the UWC. When I got there, they told me I was in the queue and to go to the break room to wait to be called. Well, how am I supposed to know where the break room is? This quesiton popped into my head when I was about halfway there, of course. So after wandering into some woman’s office, she pointed me in the right direction. Thank goodness there was one of the girls from my class in there, or the shock would have probably killed me.

What shock, you ask? Well, I think it’s a form of culture shock. You see, these people who work at the UWC… well, they’re a different breed than you and I. For starters, they don’t speak like normal humans. Everything must be said in a serious, half-whisper tone. Furthermore, you know how when we talk we say things like, “Whatcha doin’?” No, no… there is none of that. First of all, in the land of writing mentors, there are NO contractions of any kind. They are strictly forbidden. “Doing” is the proper way to say the word and, well, blending “what are you” into one word… I mean, honestly, that is absurd in their world.

But that’s not worst of it… not even close. After I had been there for a while, the break room started to fill up and I began to understand why the University has decided to cut their funding… They hire these people to tutor and if no one’s there, they just sit in the back and (I will be making this argument:) ruin their lives. How, you ask? It’s their conversation… We had a 2-part conversation that lasted a total of 45 minutes. The topic? “Can you try to try something?” They managed, with all their little rhetorical idiosynchrisies and odd English-major behavoirisms, to fill 45 minutes with this drivel. “Well, if you’re trying to try something, doesn’t that imply you’re just trying it?” “Okay, but what if try to try sushi for the first time, but for some reason you can’t?” “Well, I think that’s taking the word try and changing its meaning” AHHHHHH! STOP!!!! (My internal dialogue, if you didn’t pick up on that.) And honestly, they were enjoying this conversation. I mean there were giggles and outbursts and smiling all over the break room. It was unreal.

So, I went and did some tutoring. It went fine, whatever. Not really important here. But when I got back, the conversation had (Praise Jesu!) changed subject. Unfortunately, this one was potentially more awkard than the first. This time, they were going around the room asking everyone what makes them weird. It started out sort of normal… I mean, for them, that is. This one guy said he had no tolerance for some type of photography I had never heard of before… One girl said she had been dating some guy for almost 2 years and never heard his answering machine message until last week. Okay… weird, but not outlandish. We get to the next girl and she felt it would be okay to say, in a public setting, that she can’t eat potato chips in public because when she does, she likes to chew them, spit them out on a napkin and then eat them again. (!!!!!!) Amazingly, this actually blew all of THEM away too. At first, I sort of figured they wouldn’t have any problem with this, but… they restored my faith in humanity, if only for a brief moment. The girl explained that the saliva gives the chips a sweet taste or something insane. I think I might have passed out temporarily, so when she was explaining her logic, I might have missed some things.

Naturally, I was next. On the scale of things, nothing I said was going to satisfy these people. I mean, I admit to my own weirdness, but this is another league. Knowing that nothing was going to be good enough I said… “Well, I’m not from Texas, which usually blows poeple away.” They responded, “Well, it depends on where you’re from.” “Near Pittbsurgh.” No, that’s not enough… So they moved on and after a while, I came up with my semi-color blindness or whatever that is that I have. They seemed a little more OK with this, but still… you could tell they were disappointed. Sadly, “the new guy” didn’t seem to be as ridiculously weird as the rest of them… But that was alright with me.

The application for working at the writing center…

Well another trip home has come and gone. Everyone at the Jeety’s Joint staff hopes that you all had a very nice Thanksgiving break. Although, I get the feeling the staff sort of resents me… I kiiiiind of had them work all weekend, just in case something big happened. But it was for their own good–they need the extra work. Plus, I added an extra half bowl to their usual single bowl of porridge, so what they could possible complain about, I have no idea. That’s really the problem with America today… unappreciative workers. I mean, I shouldn’t have to ASK them to roll out the red carpet when I get to work (literally), they should WANT to do it. [This portion of Jeety's Joint dictated by El Jeet, transcribed by... I don't even know. One of them. I think he's new. (And yes, I had him write that.)]

Anyway, I thought I’d share a few of the pictures from that weekend (actually, I think they’re all from Thanskgiving day):

Tom the Turkey, fresh from the deep fryer! Mmmmm… delicious. However, Tom does beg the question, why Turkey? Shouldn’t there be some sort of rotating bird system put into place? I mean, isn’t this like the BCS championship game? It switches every year among four different bowls… So let’s see, Turkey, Chicken, Duck and um… Pheasant? Game hen? Perhaps ruffed grouse, in an ode to Pennsylvania? Unfortunately, the ruffed grouse is a bit smaller than I thought… you would need SEVERAL of them for a decent-sized meal. Maybe this is why we stick with the turkey…? Although, on the “conservation status,” the grouse is considered to be in the “least concern” category… which translates to “shoot now, ask questions later.” Also, the dining room table.

Eli helping grandma with the dishes! And their usual photo-op.

Eli and Uncle Ed, having some fun after dinner. Eli chowed down on a Thanksgiving dinner of his own that night: turkey, sweet potatoes and corn, I believe. It’s funny though, all I could see was off-white mush. He seemed alright with that, though. Also, Eli had a fun time checking out what these “teeth” are that everybody seems to be talking about. Uncle Ed’s seemed like a good place to start his research, while Aunt Jeannie held him.

Eli and momma! And he’s (seemingly) thiiiiiiis close to being able to say that, too. At least, the momma part. He’s got his “ma’s” down, that’s for sure.

Anyway, that’s it. It was a great weekend at home and everybody ate well. I had a good time catching up with friends, bowling and losing money to Kevin, Scott, Lee and John at poker (I still don’t understand how I was the only one to lose money and it seemed like everybody else won… And I think it’s garbage that the trips trump the pair in a full house, but whatever. I’m over it. Almost.) and relaxing at home. Good times, indeed. Finally, I’d like to close with these words… “H to the izz O, V to the izz A.”

Hey ya, folks!

Just stoppin by to tell you that my HEAD JUST EXPLODED from an article I just read on Yahoo! My jaw was literally on the ground… and it’s not amazement or shock… I think for the first time in my life, I can use the word “bewildered” to describe my current status.

Apparently… OJ Simpson has decided that he’s going to do an interview on FOX… titled, “O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened.” In case you’ve been living under a rock the past decade and change, the “IT” he’s referring to is the killing of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Um, does anyone else find this completely ridiculous? How SNL didn’t think of this first, before REALITY stepped in and said, “No, no… we’ve got this one, thanks,” I will never know. I mean, my mind literally exploded all over the “wall” that is my skull. I have no idea how I’m supposed to function in society now, knowing that this is taking place.

First of all, let’s break this down the nerdy way… Because there’s something significant here. Okay, the title again is: “If I did it, here’s how it happened.” This sentence is butchered, in terms of tense. First of all, it’s an “if clause.” The first statement “If I did it” is perfect tense… the following statement… is PRESENT! “Here IS how it happened.” That’s… not allowed to happen. Also, the title (uh, along with the CONCEPT, but we’ll get to that) makes it sound like he definitely did it… They maybe should have gone with… “If I had done it, Here’s how it would have happened.” But apparently, when FOX produces murderous sensationalism, they don’t have “The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation” nearby.

Uh, secondly… WHYYYYYYYYYY? Why are we doing this? What can be GAINED? Not only that, it doesn’t make any SENSE! When someone says “I did not do that”… they don’t hold a two-part special, 12 years later saying “Uhhh, well, if I had, it might have gone something like this” (but of course, you know… much less grammatically correct… cause apparently that’s necessary).

The show is described as “hypothetically describing how the murders would have been committed.” Hey guys… didn’t we have like a 10 month court trial that kind of painted that picture for us all? Non-stop? For a huge portion of our lives?

Here’s a paragraph for you… try to figure this one out. Warning: Do not concentrate too long on this… you’ll begin spitting and throwing things, involuntarily:

“O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes,” the network said in a statement. “In the two-part event, Simpson describes how he would have carried out the murders he has vehemently denied committing for over a decade.”

WHAT???? What does that MEAN?

I mean, isn’t enough, enough? We all know O.J. got away with it… he’s knows it, we know it… Marcia Clark knows it (speaking of, how’s her hair doing these days? Let’s see it’s been about 12 years… judging by my calculations, her hairstyle has changed approximately 3600 times since the trial. In other words, she is bald.). Anyway, my point is… why do we have to KEEP rubbing the failure of the US court system in the face of the American people? Isn’t Judge Judy enough?!

Anyway, the show airs Nov. 27 and 29 (apparently we need a day to recooperate). I’m sure it’ll be great… and make a lot of sense. And not continue to place my head squarely between two huge cymbals, held by a giant monkey and bang and bang and bang…

Good news for O.J.–former co-star Leslie Nielson has decided to come to his defense… in character, from his “Naked Gun” films as Frank Drebin. I see things going smoothly…

Listen up… We are not happy campers down here in Texasland. Can you guess why?

First of all, I have to say that I was betrayed this weekend. The University of Texas competed in a football game this weekend with the Kansas State University. The game was at 8 p.m. EST and carried by the American Broadcast Company. Some people… know it as ABC. ABC employs a wide variety of commentators, as do all the networks (CBS, FOX, NBC… in case you forgot). Some of them good, some of them bad.

Gary Thorne, I thought, was a friend of me. We used to hang out. He would do some baseball games for ESPN… other college football games and occassionally a hockey game, when it was a sport in America (RIP). I always though, “Hey… this Gary guy… he’s not so bad… a nice enough sort… maybe even a swell fella.”

BUT NO! Not after that DEBACLE that was Saturday night’s football contest, which I partially blame Mr. Thorne for. (Yeah yeah yeah, don’t end a sentence with a preposition, well guess what, I’m doin’ it. Try and stop me.) Sure… the opponent (we’ll get to them in a minute) might have taken out our quarterback… who was perhaps about to go down as the greatest freshman quarterback in college football history, after the first drive… and we put in a cross-eyed, club-handed neanderthal as his replacement. But as I always say… the players on the field are only part of the equation. The other part, you ask? The coaches? No. The announcers.

Everyone knows they have some sort of secret device in that booth to make things go the way they want it. And how do they want it? Exciting! Nobody wants to see the powerhouse #4 team in the country beat the crap out of the… what are they, wildcats? Or something that isn’t natural to Kansas? Then again what is? I guess Nebraska got it right… Cornhuskers is about all you can do. Honestly.

Anyway, GAR thought it would be a good idea to have Texas lose this one. Well, good going, ya jerk. I always enjoyed your commentary, but this is it. Consider our friendship null and void, chief. You ruined it with your thoughtless words. Like having an aneurysm every time KSU scored, completed a pass or uh, hiked the ball.

And speaking of those pencilnecks… Kansas State… who is this? From what I can tell, it’s Beaver Area High School football. LOOK! Purple and gray… hmm… take a little blue out of that purple and you know what you got? That’s right. Maroon. And of course, they have a bobcat on their helmet… Oh wait, the ear is… bent or something? I forget the difference, but it’s the exact same thing. This is like… okay, you’re playing a game on Nintendo… and I’m talking NES, too… none of this 64 junk. Okay, so you go through, you beat all the levels… all the different nations with their horribly stereotyped people… and you get to the last team, which in this metaphor, is BHS football. You beat them, then all of a sudden, lightning strikes and they’re ALIVE again (because every team you beat dies, inexplicably). Anyway, they’re alive, but not the exact same team… they’re undead, so obviously they’re uniforms have to change color, slightly. To… you guessed it, purple. We played and lost to the undead Beaver Bobcats. Led by chief primate, Beff Jeltz.

With all that being said, I have to make a confession. This year, I didn’t mind Joe Buck as much as I normally do. It probably had something to do with him not covering a single New York Yankees game, which was a major plus. I think it must be his love affair with Derek Jeter (friggin’ nickname stealer) that makes me so mad. Him and the rest of them. Overpaid sissies. And I don’t know about you, but I just feel guilty not liking Tim McCarver anymore… have you seen this guy? He’s decaying on screen. Unfortunately, I cannot support this with photographic evidence. He has destroyed it all.

This is the best photograph of Gary Thorne out there that isn’t the size of a post-it note. (This post brough to you by Post-It Notes! Try our new various neon colors with different levels of stickiness! From Light to Surgically Irremovable!) Gar looks a bit… cardboard, here, no? Also… this picture of Howie Long, Tim McCarver and Troy Aikman is actually a promotional photograph. That’s right folks, ABC is bringing back the 70’s classic “The Odd Couple” with these three crazy characters, each living in one New York City apartment, each conspicuously thrown out of their homes by their wives! Well, I guess Tim’s isn’t conspicuous… He filled their bed with about 30 snakes as an April Fool’s prank. Some people can’t take a joke, apparently.

Happy November, everyone! I’ve been pretty busy with a bunch of CRAP… and yes I mean that. So I’ve not been able to update as much as I would have liked. I missed entirely the Jeety’s Joint one-year anniversary extravaganza I had planned. That of course was the same day that I saw Jerry Seinfeld from the FRONT ROW and thus, I can die now. Anyway, that was November 3rd. And here we are, all the way at the 7th and I’m getting my first post of the month in. Sigh… If the rest of school is simultaneously this busy and dull, I’m dropping out. I know a little institution in New Brighton that will surely employ me full time… ahhhh!

Anyway, it’s election day. Also known as “The Day Wolf Blitzer Has A Reason To Be Alive.” After this it’s downhill until 2008, when all the pundits and pollsters will pee thier pants once again. Actually, that’s probably not true. With no incumbent as President or VP running for the office, the press will probably just be hyperactive until 2008, when Wolf Blitzer’s head will actually explode from sheer joy. Wolf… who names their child Wolf? And then who grows a bear to “go” with their name? Weird on so many levels…

As a tribute to today, I thought maybe we’d have a little look-see at some of the great political gaffes from recent memory. I came accross one last night that had me giggling in my sleep practically, but I’ll wait and put that one at the end. First, we start with Ted Stevens from Alaska, pontificating on “the internet”… er, as he sees it.

“The internet is not something that you just dump something on. It’s not a big truck. It’s, it’s a series of tubes. And if you don’t understand that those tubes can be filled, and if they’re filled when you put your message in it, it gets in line, it’s gonna be delayed by anyone who puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.” He goes on to give an example… “Ten movies streaming accross that, that internet… and what happens to your own personal internet? I… just the other day, I got an internet that was sent by my staff at 10 o’clock in the morning Friday, I got it yesterday. Why?”

As you can see, I’ve highlighted my favorite parts of Senator Steven’s remarks. The senator then hopped in his horse and buggy and retired for the night. See you in a fortnight, good sir!

I’d like to dedicate this portion of the post to the incomparable Dan Rather and his ridiculous… -ism’s. First, his obsession with heat:

“This race is hotter than a Times Square Rolex.”
“This race is hotter than the Devil’s anvil.”
“Ohio becomes like a sauna for the two candidates. All they can do is wait and sweat.”
“No question now that Kerry’s rapidly reaching the point where he’s got his back to the wall, his shirttails on fire and the bill collector’s at the door.”
(To Joe Lockhart) “I know that you’d rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit than consider the possibility that John Kerry would lose Ohio.”
(To Joe Lockhart) “What about Michigan? It’s been out there for a long time. Is that making your fingernails sweat?” WHAT??
“This presidential race has been crackling like a hickory fire for at least the last hour and a half.”

And now, for just the absurd:

“We used to say if a frog had side pockets, he’d carry a handgun.”
“We need Billy Crystal to Analyze This”
“The election is “closer than Lassie and Timmy”
“This situation in Ohio would give an aspirin a headache.”
“To use a metaphor, he’s gotta draw to an inside straight. But hey, sometimes you get lucky and hit that straight.”

I love how he introduced that last one… because you know, all the other insane things spewing from his mouth is just normal speech. Keep in mind, also, that all of these were taken from ONLY the 2004 election night. I had to cut back, because 2000 and 2002 had “some real hum-dingers,” to quote Dan himself.

And you can’t leave out religious fanatics when you’re talking about politicians… because generally, those crazy pyschos lie just as much. Pat Robertson, for example. We don’t have the webspace at Jeety’s Joint to recite all the blunders he’s spewed, but this one is hilarious. Enjoy:

“Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”

I don’t know about you, but I say let’s scrap “E Pleribus Unum” at slap THAT on all of our currency! Brilliant…

And finally, the quote I found last night that still makes me laugh, just thinking about it. In 1998, Senator John McCain made a joke at a Republican Fundraiser… now, you don’t often hear politicians do jokes, but I think when you do, it just makes them funnier. For example, McCain on SNL… hilarious. Well, prior to his late-night debut, McCain had a crack at the comedy scene on his own…

“Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?” …. “Because her father is Janet Reno.” BADA-BING!!! Oh man… that is classic. Hats off to you, senator!

Unfortunately, I guess McCain apologized later, but we all have our faults. Anyway… Happy Election Day, if there is such a thing.

I… I could put a joke here. Yes… I… could.

Trumpets! Fanfare!

Ladies and gentlmen, it is my pleasure to announce the one-year anniversary of Bech-Tech.net (version 2.0… we don’t speak of the first). Yes indeedy, on October 30, 2005, Bech-Tech was birthed! It was a Sunday evening… AND a double post day! Which, if I check the stats, might have been a first and last for Bech-Tech. Personally, I’ve done a few of those, but they’re a hassle.

Anyway, kudos and praises to the site that pays the bills around here… Without the Bech-Tech, Jeety’s Joint wouldn’t be possible. Congrats, mom and pop Bechdel on one year!

Ah yes, a look back in time… 2005’s month of October on the original Bech-Tech! Look how chic!

Welcome ghosts and goblins to the first Jeety’s Joint Halloween post! Who knows if I’ll actually have time to write on the 31st, so this will have to do. What’s that you ask? Am I listening to “The Monster Mash” right now? The answer is, of course. Does anyone know how many Grammys this song won? My guess would be… “all of them.”

But how many of us have actually sat down and studied the lyrics to this song? It’s unbelievable… it actually tell’s a story… that makes no sense and is quite weird. First of all… the beginning of the song starts out with 46 seconds of weird “spooky” noises and just plain silence. There’s a door creaking open… some beakers clearly bubbling with ghoulish delights… and then the drums start like an 80s hair-metal-rock song. By second 47 of the song… Boris has begun.

Yes, that’s right… the fantastic vocals of “The Monster Mash” are sung by none other than Bobby “Boris” Pickett and his Crypt-Kicker 5. Legends. Here’s the best part of this whole thing, actually… the song reached NUMBER ONE on the Billboard Hot 100 chart in 1962, and No. 3 on the UK charts, eleven years after its original release. Ridiculous? Maybe. Awesome? Definitely.

Anyway, I was going to go into this deep analysis of the lyrics, but as it turns out… it’s just not funny. But I encourage you to check them out yourself… The Monster Mash

Another Halloween classic for me has been Homestar Runner’s Halloween cartoons… today I checked out some of their older one, cause it’s been a while since I’ve been there. The Halloween Carve-ival is an all-time classic. Anyway, check’em out, if you daaaare! (oooh, spooky) Homestar Runner Click on “toons” and then “Holiday” on the remote, and then look for the Halloween ones in the TV Guide on the right.

Finally, the thing that has kept me from my work all weekend and is most likely the work of the Devil… The M&M Dark Chocolate movie painting thing… It’s this painting that M&M’s set up that has 50 different movie titles hidden in riddles… and you click on the clue and type in what you think the movie title is. For example, there’s a sheet with the state of Texas on it that has tears in it. You click on the sheet, type in “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and you now have 1/50. I’m up to 31, but I feel like I’m hitting the wall now. It’s unbelievably addicting, though. Checka checka checka checka check it out! M&M Dark Chocolate

Alright, that’s all I got for now. Tomorrow’s a big day around these parts, if anybody’s paying attention. More on that later…

In case you forgot, Mike Tyson and Bobby Brown performed a rousing rendition of “The Monster Mash” on the Jimmy Kimmel Show.

Wuzzzzup my babies? I hope you’re keepin’ it kool, with a K, yeah, that’s right.

Well, now that the pleasantries are out of the way, let’s get right down to it. We’ve got a problem in this country my friends. A problem so egregious, so vile… a problem so dispicable, so insulting… that it simply must be dealt with immediately. I am, of course, talking about our nation’s airports. Let us begin, by asking the obvious…

WHAT IS GOING ON?!?

To be honest, most of the problems come from people. Actually, maybe all of the problems, I’m not sure, cause I haven’t written this thing yet. After I’m done, I’ll reflect. Anyway, let’s say… “FOR INSTANCE”… that you’re on the bus, traveling to the airport. You’re sitting there, minding your own business, the journey is going swimmingly… you come to a bus stop and pull over for somebody with luggage, clearly going to the airport. Immediately, you begin to feel ill. Your stomach turns, you begin to salivate a lot like how you do before you throw up (you know what I’m talking about, and don’t pretend like you don’t. It’s gross, sure, but everyone does it.), you break out into a cold sweat. Why, you ask? Becuase you’re just SURE that the morbidly obese passenger, who refuses to hang up her cell phone while lugging two HUGE bags onto the bus and then doesn’t pay the bus driver, resulting in us sitting there awkwardly for a few minutes until he finally says, “I’m waiting,” making her decide it might be a good idea to hang up now, is going to be sitting next to you in the cramped, tiny little plane. (Kudos if you were able to follow that entire sentence without having to go back… it took about an hour to construct properly.) Anyway, you know what I’m talking about. Even if your experience isn’t quite as bad as this “hypothetical”… when you travel alone, you look around the waiting area, eyeing up your potential “plane life partner.” True story, I’m sitting in Atlanta (aka one of Hell’s airports… and yes, Satan needs many, include his favorite destination and hub for Methusalah Airlines, O’Hare International) and there’s this 60something woman, clearly traveling with a corpse that I assume is her husband. They had literally just transfered him from an iron lung or something, becuase this guy had one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel. I don’t think I ever once saw him open an eye. They were both inexplicably wearing heavy winter coats in a not-so-cold airport (it’s the devil’s after all, he’s not a fan of the chill). I honestly thought to myself, “If I sit next to these too… I will catch typhoid… and polio…. with a twist of lyme disease.” I don’t even know if you CAN catch some of those things, but I have no doubt I would have.

Anyway, my point is, the whole scene is like a leper colony gone bad… instead of quarantining these people, we’re trapping perfectly healthy ones on an aircraft the size of my hallway (see previous post for picture reference… it’s not big). So instead of “easing” people’s fears about flying, the airlines have set up a system where people continuously dart their eyes around the waiting area, looking to see “what’s wrong with this guy?” It’s horrifying. As if the entire experience of being in the airport isn’t weird enough…

Follow me, if you will. You get to the airport… and check your bags. Right off the bat, this is weird. Becuase HALF the time, you know you’re never going to see them again. That’s why when you pack before a flight, it’s a really somber experience… “Well old blue, it was really nice knowin’ ya. And if you make it out on the other side, we’re gunna party… you guys are gettin’ TWO dryer sheets next time, baby! I’m not just sayin’ that either.” And then of course you forget. After that, you get your ticket and go through security. Wow, what an experience that is. I know I went into this a little bit last year, Thanksgiving-ish time. At that point, I thought it was really funny that people say “thank you” to being frisked by the TSA… just as a reaction. I know I did it. It wasn’t that I particularly enjoyed it (he could have taken me out to dinner first! OHHHH! Thank you, I’ll be here all week, folks!), but it just felt like what you say at the end of that experience. Well, that’s not happened since, but the whole process of walking through the magical gate of colors and beeps is ridiculous…

First, you get assigned a “lane,” and thus, a gate. Immediately, people begin removing their belongings from their bags, in some gratuitous fashion. People are so freaked out their going to have their bag inspected, they decide it’s a better idea to just shovel everything out of it and put it all in the little bins… And of course that right there is contest… “Oh wow, Betty’s got four bins… she must be doing really well.” Me? I’m a two bin buy. One for my back pack, one for my laptop, shoes, cell phone, keys, belt… Yeah, belt. That’s another great part of the process. After you hand over all of your personal belongings so you can “cross over” through the magical gate, you immediately begin stripping, like you’re on a hot date (or so I would imagine). This gate is so wonderful, that you just can’t wait to get your clothes off and walk through it. In Austin, I almost forgot to remove my soccer jacket, but luckily the TSA woman informed me that I wasn’t quite naked enough to enter the gate.

Then all of a sudden, you walk through, nothing happens and it’s over. All that time of preparation, the angst, the anticipation… all for not! You get through to the other side and all of a sudden you see the machine has spit your belongings out the other side and down the little rolly bar thingies as if to say “your stuff’s not good enough to inspect.” Well, whatever buddy! Then, the stark realization hits you… it’s all over. Time to put your clothes back on. You look around, everyone has a glassy stare as they’re slipping their shoes back on, wondering what just happened. The belts are the best though. I like imagining someone who’s never been to an airport coming in at this point… seeing all these people put their belts on and wonder what exactly just took place. Airports are weird places, my friends.

So… basically what I’m trying to say here is… I’m really looking forward to my future travels!

Here we have NOT the plane I traveled on most recently. And a true statement. Nothin’ like gettin’ felt up by a perfect stranger (especially if it’s Cousin Larry. And if you understand this, I salute you.). I almost took a picture of the near-dead guy, but I thought better of it.