Hello my childrens! So good to see you all again. I got some feedback about the 80s TV post. Some good, some whining because their favorite show wasn’t listed. And that “Charles in Charge” was somehow NOT Scott Baio’s best work. Insanity. Can we at least agree that it’s Willie Aames’ best work??

So, I didn’t mention this over the weekend because let’s be honest, I’ve got better things to do. But I attended quite the interesting shin-dig this weekend. It was 40-Acres-fest here at UT. Brief explanation: the original campus of the University of Texas was a 40-acre lot. So apparently in celebration of… land (?)… they decide to have a festival where all kinds of groups and clubs and organizations on the campus set up tables, stations and kiosks and either sell food or have games or information about what they do. It’s pretty fun and at the very least makes the campus smell good (oh, the food!!).

But they also set up a stage at the foot of the infamous tower (see post #2 or something for it’s history) where, let me tell you, some crazy crap went down. Not quite as crazy as a sharp-shooting lunatic, but… well, close. Anyway, on this stage… the one… the only… Little Richard did perform. Now, if you’re like me, you know Little Richard as… that crazy guy who wears extravagant, sequin-based clothing and plays the piano. Also, he is one of the incredible spokesman for Geico (best advertising department in the world, I kid you not: the Gecko, the cavemen, Little Richard. Um, I’ve not seen a team like that since the Holy Trinity.), on which commercials he screams “mashed potatoes, gravy and cranberry sauce… uh-woooo-hooo!!!”

As any self respecting artist would, he started out the concert with that exact line. The south mall (area at the foot of the tower), needless to say, went insane. I should mention at this point, however, that Little Richard is the first and dare I say the last artist I will ever see come on stage in crutches. He didn’t really explain why he had them, so maybe they’re old age crutches. Or maybe they’re just for balance to keep from tipping over (if you’ve ever looked at his head in relation to his body, he’s a bit top-heavy). In any event, he came out in the cleanest white suit you’ve ever seen and the people loved him. And he loved him. And he loved the people a little bit, but mostly himself.

Now, I wish there were a way that I could put into words exactly how weird this experience was. It’s actually impossible, because I’ve tried several times with no results. As my dad said, he’s made a career out of being weird and that actually helps if you think of it that way. See, I always thought of him as an eccentric musician and that screws you up. Because when you think in those terms, you think… Prince, maybe Bjork? No. Not weird enough.

I don’t know how else to describe the events, so I’ll do it chornologically. He comes out on stage and immediately asks Walter (no idea, in the band apparently) if he’s in Alabama. Walter, unsure if he’s joking or not, responds “We’re close, we’re close…” Little Richard seems pleased with this response because he let it go after that. So all he wants to know, after screaming “Mashed potatoes, gravy and cranberry sauce” is if he’s NEAR Alabama. Makes sense, right? After this, he talks about how pretty he is for a while. As I’m sure we all would, if we were on a stage in front of a ton of people we don’t know. But he puts our minds at ease when he tells us “I’ve been beautiful a long time–I just came here to show ya!” Thanks… I guess?

After a comment like that, the audience would laugh… you know, yuck it up, having a good time. To this, Little Richard would shout (read: SHOUT) “SHUT UP!” And everyone laughed again, this time feeling a little uneasy. He did this probably 30 times during the show and after a while people just got used to it. He also asked if we were having a good time an average of 3 times in between songs “Are you having a good time? Are you REALLY having a good time? Who wants my shoes???” And then he’d point his toes to the front row. I’m not sure what they were… snakeskin, maybe? I was too far away. I’m sure they were pretty.

At one point, Little Richard started playing “Old Time Rock’n'Roll” (Bob Segar). But before he could do this he needed some help from the audience. I know what you’re thinking… “oh boy, he wants some sort of sing-a-long, right?” Wrong my friends. Very, very wrong. No… this is what he wanted: “I need a big fat white lady to come up here and shake her thang! And I need a big fat black lady! And a big fat mexican lady! And a big fat lady that don’t know what she is!” After I picked my jaw up off the concrete, I got the giggles. Like… this was some kind of dream scenario sent to me by the blog gods or something. I kept pinching myself–this was really surreal. After “Old Time Rock’n'Roll,” he let us in on something… “I’ve always been so beautiful that people say, ‘Little Richard, you’re conceited!’ I say, ‘I’m not conceited, I’m convinced!’” Outstanding.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention one of the best parts… On about the third song, something was clearly wrong. No, not clearly. But Little Richard was not “alright.” How you can sense this, I do not know, considering “alright” consists of the comments listed above. Unfortunately I don’t remember the exact quotes from this altercation, but let’s just say Little Richard was not happy. Something was wrong with the piano. He then starting asking people who that coach was from Indiana who threw the chair. Someone in the front responded, “Bobby Knight!” Little Richard said, “Well, I’m starting to understand why he threw that chair.” Umm… so after a little while, we figured out something was wrong with the piano. He said he was going to mark it with an X so he would know the next time it was on the stage and he wouldn’t use it. (He never really mentioned what his plan would be if he didn’t have a piano to play, but… my guess is he could somehow put on a show without it.) And then after that, I’m pretty sure he thought he was IN Indiana because he kept talking about how he’s going to leave the piano there. “I’m gunna leave the piana in Indiana!” He’s second only to Don King on rhymes, I swear.

So after about 6-8 songs, I decided that that was it for me. I can now tell people that I saw a Little Richard concert, and that’s enough for me. You should recognize maybe two of his songs: “Tutti Frutti” and “Good Golly, Miss Molly.” There may be more, but by title, that’s all I recognized. Anyway, I leave you now, with perhaps the best and most completely bewildering comment of the night:

“Even the CATS be pimpin’… You can’t trust ANYbody these days!!” Amen, Little Richard. Amen.

Yikes!! This place still exists? Who knew? Things are getting a little dusty around here, it seems. I guess with spring break and such I haven’t been around too much to write anything. Well, hopefully that will change here in the future. School is pretty awful this semester, but… that’s how it goes sometimes, I guess. I’m hoping classes are a little more interesting next fall. Then again, almost anything has to be more interesting than “media law & ethics,” “presidents and foreign policy,” and uh, Latin. Next fall will be my last semester of that dreadful language, so be expecting some sort of book burning festival next Christmas and a beatdown of a Cicero effigy.

But that’s not why I’m here, today. I had the idea to do a “list” post… because it’s been a while since I’ve done one of those. And it was a great idea, at first. The topic? “1980s Television Theme Songs” Now, unfortunately, I remember about zero of these shows when they were actually on, but the reruns were a staple in the house when I was growing up. For some reason I thought there were a lot of TV theme songs that were fantastic and uh, I was wrong. I think when I was growing up I liked “The Facts of Life” song. I listened to it the other day and wanted to throw my computer through the window down onto the ground (er, I mean UP onto the ground). What happened there? It’s obnoxious. Unlike those that made the list…

The idea was to get five songs and rank them… Uh, well that’s hard to do when you can only think of three. But I was also putting restrictions on the list. When I think of 1980s TV theme songs, you’ve gotta have killer music, obviously, but also that “wholesome message” in the lyrics that’s missing from today’s TV shows. Sad, really. And I’m not talking about songs from musical artists… like putting that Rembrandt’s song for the opening credits of Friends. Catchy? Yes. Wholesome? Yes. Written specifically for the purposes of the show? No. Therefore, ineligible. Plus it’s from the 90s, so bad example dumbo.

So, with this ridiculous criteria in place, we have a “Top 3″ list of 1980s TV Theme Songs.

Double yikes!

3. Charles in Charge — Fantastic show. Easily Scott Baio’s best work. The history of this show is really interesting too. It was on CBS for like… a season, maybe? And then they dropped it and it switched just to syndication. I’ve never heard of a show doing this before, but maybe it was common then? Shows that are in just syndication are typically like… Maury Povich, Regis Lee & Kelly Lee, these types of shows. Anyway, when they switched, the entire family that Charles was in charge of… changed. They were the Pembrokes and then became the Powells. Wouldn’t somebody who was “in charge” notice this kind of thing? Remind me not to leave anyone I know with Charles or Buddy Lembeck (Charles had no last name. And that is hilarious.).

Anyway, without further ado, I give you the JAMMIN’ lyrics to “Charles In Charge,” an American classic.

New boy in the neighborhood
Lives downstairs and it is understood.
He’s there just to take good care of me,
Like he’s one of the family.

And I sing, I want,
I want Charge in Charge of me.

Okay, so who else is FREAKED OUT???? Creepy, creepy, creepy. And equally hilarious. That first stanza makes Charles sound like some sort of cave troll. “New boy in the neighborhood, he lives downstairs among the cavedwellers and it’s understood… he’s there to beat senselessly anyone who dares enter.” Granted it doesn’t have that ring of the original, but you can tell it’s intent is there. Alright, moving on.

2. The Golden Girls — What a song!! While the show gives me the creeps (and I’m sure it does you, as well… unless you’re a girl, apparently), I can’t deny its theme song’s catchiness. I can just picture Estelle Getty taking the mic from some karaoke bar and rocking out to this one. Okay, not really at all, but whatever. This show included the worst name ever (BLANCHE) and a bunch of old women talking about things you just don’t want to hear. It turns out Bea Arthur’s a dude (okay Golden Girl fans, you can’t even be mad at me for that one… I don’t know anyone who hasn’t said that once in their life) and Rue McClannahan is a bit of a tramp. (She does NOT look well on that cover.) Betty White is cool, though. If you get a chance to see her on the William Shatner roast on Comedy Central, do yourself a favor and watch it. She’s still hilarious.

Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down the road and back again
Your heart is true your a pal and a confidant.

And if you through a party
Invited everyone you ever knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.

Amazing how they write these things. You hear the first line and you think “Oh, that’s nice.” And along you go with the rest of the song, la-ti-da. And you’re racking your brain–what would be the biggest gift??? What will the card say??? And BOOM! They hit you with the opening line again. Written by the mind of a genius, no doubt.

And finally, we come to the greatest 1980s TV theme song of all time… haha, what a prestigious title!! This, of course, goes to…

1. Who’s the Boss — You know, now that he’s off of the air from his “Tony Danza Show,” I’ve found that I like him a lot more. You know… it’s like those people you don’t like and after a while of not talking to them for a while, you forget why you didn’t like them in the first place… and then they get a morning talk show and you remember very quickly, every day? It’s sort of like that. Anyway, I used to watch this one a fair amount growing up. And in case you forgot the plot behind any of the shows… you can either watch them, or just watch reruns of The Tony Danza show, because I’m pretty sure he went through every one on the air. With his guests. Who cared. A lot. Anyway, the opening to this show is fantastic. It starts with that creepy “Chester the Molester” van of Tony’s… and meetin Angela who just happened to be coming out of the shower or something… And then that creepy hug between Angela and Mona (what IS that??). And I like how the “…lost a dream or two” line comes when Tony is diving into home plate. More like, “lost a cell or two.” The synching of the lyrics and images… breathtaking. And as an added bonus for both the eyes AND the ears…

There’s a time for love and a time for living. You take a chance and face the wind.
An open road and a road that’s hidden a brand new life around the bend.

There’s a path you take and a path not taken the choice is up to you my friend.
Nights are long but you might awaken
To a brand new life, brand new life, brand new life around the bend.

Alright, I’m gunna be straight up honest with you here… I’m just in the mood to write something. I had no idea what… this is really the worst for me. It happens often. Basically, anytime I get the ol’ typewriter knee (ha!! I just thought… my personal typewriter knee has double meaning… I think I’ll go write an haiku [ignoring the rule that haiku's must be written about nature]). Anyway, I’ve been watching Bob Woodruff make the rounds on the talk show circuits lately. I didn’t watch, but he was on Larry King this weekend. Last week he was on Letterman in a great interview (back to back nights for Dave… first McCain, then Woodruff… His interviews with respected people might not be as funny, but they sure are good. Hat’s off to Dave!) and then just last night Woodruff was on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. As they were ending the interview, Jon had some good one liners, the best being “At what point during the recovery process did you realize you still had more brain capacity than John Stossel?” Fantastic… The answer? “About day 17.” Bob Woodruff is quickly becoming a favorite journalist of mine.

So I thought I’d spend some time railing against John Stossel because he annoys me to no end. In 1994 ABC thought it would be a good idea to give this brilliant mind airtime during 20/20 (formerly of Babba Wawa and Hugh Downs fame. Hugh Downs ya’ll!!!). He titled his segment “Give Me a Break.” Which… is HILARIOUS, because apparently… the rest of the world, or at least nation, is somehow annoying HIM! Don’t think about that too long, your head will explode. Anyway, the gist of his segment is… he picks some random topic out of the Andy Rooney hat (How’s that for role models? Somehow, the nonsensical idiocy is more tolerable coming from a crotchety old man.) and snitches and moans about it for however long until they just start running the credits on his face. To be honest, I don’t really know, I haven’t watched in years. Regardless…

Anyway, this little weasel (it doesn’t quite rhyme with Stossel, but it’s darn close) managed to get himself hour-long specials as spin offs to his wildly successful boo-hoo sessions on 20/20. I’d like to share the titles of some of these with you. Hopefully this will shed some light on the kind of person we’re dealing with. They include: “Stupid in America” (an autobiographical piece, I assume?), “Is America #1?” (well, the Princeton Review hasn’t come out with their lists yet this year, but I’m pretty sure the answer is yes” and of course, my personal favorite “Boys and Girls Are Different,” something John found out at age 41, only by walking into the wrong public restroom by accident.

Signs… eluded him. But in his defense, who could figure out this brain teaser anyway..? Especially when you’re in a hurry!!

Here’s a gem of a story I found on wikipedia (honestly, they should be a sponsor or something…). Apparently in 1981, lil’ Johnny decided it would be a good idea to anger a professional wrestler, who aren’t always equipped with all the “parts” in the brain, if you know what I’m saying. (That being said, I highly recommend “Hogan Knows Best”… FANTASTIC show… I don’t know how someone could watch it and not laugh/love it.) He angered the wrestler by telling him that wrestling is fake. Now… follow the logic here. You know it’s fake, I know it’s fake, the wrestlers darn-well know it’s fake and I have a feeling the audiences do too, but they don’t care. It’s entertainment. And I’m sure many of the things they have to do require a very serious physical strain on the body. So why anyone would approach a wrestler and tell him this is beyond me. But he did… and in response, David “Dr. D” Schultz (no idea…) screamed “You think this is fake???” and proceeded to knock baby weasel to the ground… twice. Which means that at some point, Stossel got up… and did something to require a return trip to the pavement. Outstanding.

So, long story short… Shhhh! Thanks.

One of these pictures is of John Stossel. The other is a baby whiner. Can you tell which is which???? (Juuuust kidding, they’re both John Stossel.)

So get this… I’m down here in Austin, Texas right? Minding my own business… when out of the blue, these two dudes (and I use that term loosely) decide, “Hey, we’re going to come live in your room and eat your popcorn. Entertain us!” Unreal… Turns out, they’re my brothers.

So I go to the airport to get these yard-apes… They’re supposed to be there at 11:20 and as most of you know, if I’m waking up before 12:30 on a weekend, it better be for a good reason. Anyway, I get there and they’re no shows. Typical… So I’m sitting around the airport, picking my nose in public just to watch the reactions of people, and they finally show up an hour late. One of them is wearing a shirt he stole from me this summer. Real classy. Anyway, we get to Enterprise Car Rental and pick up the tricycle they reserved for the three of us. It was a little cozy.

Eventually we started walking around campus… this proved to be too much for my visitors, or at least one of them. So, we went back to my dorm and they start barking for medications like a bunch of geriatrics… “Advil!” “Tums!” “Geritol!” I’m not a pharmacy, people. After a few hours of bedrest, my patients, I mean… visitors were ready to go again. We went downtown to eat outside on Congress Avenue and then to Wal-Mart. Someone had forgotten deodorant and this problem required an immediate solution.

The next day I sent them on a wild goose chase, just to get some “me time,” ya know? I told them to go to the baseball stadium and watch the game. I had a meeting at the same time. To be honest, I didn’t even know if we had a baseball stadium, let alone a team. I figured it would keep them busy for a few hours though. I eventually met up with them there. After the game we decided to get something to eat. Since this was their first time in Texas, I figured we might as well get some Tex-Mex… Wow, now that I think about it, I’m such a good host…

After taking a tour of the bar districts down on 6th Street the night before, it was finally their last day in Austin. It’s a good thing too, because I was running out of ideas. After going to WhichWich for the second time (you know how old people get… when they find something they like, they stick with it!), we headed off to the airport. My whole world came crashing down around me as we found out their flight was delayed. They had the choice of going to Chicago and staying there or staying with me another night and leaving in the morning. Just my luck, the freeloaders decided to stay another night. Unfortunately we had just turned in our tricycle, so we had to take the bus back to campus.

After talking Eliot down from killing the two of them (it’s his room too, you know), we got back to the room. Ugh. What to do now?? I decided that with one more night, we might as well hit up a good ol’ Texas BBQ place. MmmmMmm! Walking back to 21st Street (from 1st), I began to miss the tricycle. But along way, we stopped at a cigar shop and smoke’em peace pipe on the way back to the dorm.

Finally, they called a cab to pick them up at 4:30 a.m. to take them to the airport the next day. Each night they stayed here, they went to bed an hour earlier. By the time they left, bedtime was like 8 p.m. or something. Anyway, that was that. Who knows if I’ll ever hear from them again. At least I got my t-shirt back. Here’s a picture of the two guys who showed up and me. I know how to have a good time.

PS– Juuuuuuust kidding! Tee-hee! It was a fun weekend, thanks for coming down, chicos! Tell your friends, Austin’s a fun place to visit! And I leave you with this:

“What do we always say is the most important thing?”
–”….breakfast.”
“Family.”
–”Family, right. I thought you meant of the things you eat.”