Happy Halloween my peeps. Although you can’t tell, I’m actually writing to you from our new digs. Bech-Tech got a facelift recently, and we’re now able to post pictures again. Supposedly we have a ton of new space, so I plan on filling that with my usual crap.

Since it’s Halloween and the spirits have been kind to me today, I’m going to tell you a story. A story that I only discovered minutes ago, as I was reading the news on Yahoo! This story involves a witch, a lottery ticket and several Harry Potter references. Without further ado, I give you… the Elwood ‘Bunky’ Bartlett Story.

Bunky is a witch. Apparently in his world, unlike in Harry’s, witch is not a gender-specific term. Or he’s a trans-gender witch. The verdict is still out. Anyway, this idiot backed into money (as seemingly all idiots do) by winning the lottery: $33 million, actually. And with this money, Bunky is going to build a virtual Hogwarts!

Watch the video of Bunky and his quest here.

Now that you’ve witnessed this wonderful story for youself, I’d like to nit-pick this to death, as is my custom.

First off, my absolute favorite part is when he announces the name of the school. “Willow Springs Sanctuary… so… [I'm a badass] And that came to me… out of the blue, so… ya know, we’re gunna go for it.” Really? That name came out of the blue? Hard to believe, considering how incredibly bland it is. Why not just name it “Pale Tan School for Crazies” and be done with it?

The next part is about how serious this school is. If you thought this was just going to be some Sunday School Wicca class where the answer is always Great Mother out of the “Book of Shadows,” you’re wrong. This is the major leagues. “They’re going to learn about druidism, shamanism…” Bunky said. And maybe a little pauperism (that is, the state of being poor): the state their parents will be in after sending their kids to Willow Springs Sanctuary.

The story also mentions how Bunky has been a Wicca High Priest for years and is in charge of six witches. Amy Blackthorn is one of these. And don’t tell me they don’t have a sense of humor at the AP: under her name (if that IS her real name… Blackthorn just happens to be the perfect witch name, right?) it gives her the illustrious title of “Witch.” I don’t understand why when Fox News does this below Hillary’s name, she gets upset?

They also mention how Bunky was a full-time accountant. Where on Earth did he find the time to work a steady job and waste his life with fairy tales?? This guy is driven. But he keeps it in perspective: “I’m not looking to start 50 million covens and have it spread worldwide,” he said with the kind of glee in his eye that only a weirdo can have. But he does plan on expanding “Mystical Voyage,” the place where he teaches (and maybe kills pets). Check your local papers in the coming months to see if there’s a Mystical Voyage opening near you!

So on this Halloween, think of people like Bunky Bartlett and be glad these psychos get airtime only once a year.

I’ve determined that everything that spews forth from the New York Yankees is pure evil. Bold statement? Not really. Let’s take a look at the evidence.

On Sunday, the Boston Red Sox swept the Colorado Rockies in a brief, four-game World Series. I’m not sure if I even watched nine innings combined of this mess, but still… it’s the World Series. It is the pinnacle event of the entire season and something worthy of honors and accolades.

So in the days following the Red Sox win (whom, by the way, I would have much rather seen lose), what do we see on the front pages? “A-Rod: Becoming an Angel?” or “Torre: Headed for LA?” or “Torre and A-Rod headed to state which honors civil unions: COINCIDENCE?” (That last one was a little too long… probably a sub-head.)

Um, this is ridiculous. First of all, no one likes you. And the few who do can’t wait, say, a week before hearing where you’re going? You have all freaking off-season to announce this crap.

On top of that, now that Steinbrenner is officially too senile to run the Yankees, his sons Cain and Abel are calling the shots. And this is news somehow. I also love the self-created drama (all coming from New York again, I remind you) about Girardi getting the manager’s job over Mattingly and somehow the mere mention that Torre glanced to the West got Grady Little to resign from the Dodgers. Remember when baseball news used to be about baseball?

The Yankees will always make news because they’re the club everyone loves to hate. And Jon Stewart made a good point about Boston last night on The Daily Show: If you keep winning, how are you going to remain likable? Regardless of any of this, could you at least wait until I’ve digested the fact that the Rockies were in the World Series to begin with?

Since I’m having a hard time coming up with an idea for what to write today, I’ll tell you a little about what I’m doing and ask you for some help.

Along with a couple of my friends, I’m trying to establish an annual scholarship for Beaver Area High School seniors, honoring the name and memory of Steve Witowich, my chemistry teacher who passed away this past August.

Wito, as he was better known, was in incredibly talented teacher and an even better friend. His passion for chemistry and his students is known not just in the Beaver area, but also in Hilton Head, SC where he taught for nine years.

This scholarship will preserve the memory of this immensely talented teacher and honor students who exhibit the characteristics and passions held by Wito.

As difficult as this can be, we’re asking for money from students, parents, teachers, administrators and all those whom Wito touched both directly and indirectly. This is a difficult task and to be perfectly blunt, we have a long, uphill battle in raising this large sum of money. But it’s a worthy cause and one that we believe is important in preserving the memory of one of Beaver’s greatest teachers.

We’re asking that you not only give money to this important cause, but also to spread the word about it. Wito touched an incredibly vast number of people. I think that was seen on the Tuesday night when many of us gathered at First Presbyterian Church in Beaver for a prayer service for Wito. The more people who know about what we’re trying to do, the better our chances are of reaching our goal.

I’ll post specifics about when and where you can send money for this scholarship. Since many of us will be home around Thanksgiving and Christmas, these will likely be the times we organize and take action on this project.

Many former teachers have scholarships given in their name every spring. I believe it would be a mistake not to add to that list the name of our former chemistry teacher and friend, Steve Witowich.

Speaking of stellar Beaver graduates, have you been wondering what former Beaver biology teacher Derek Russo has been up to since resiging this summer? Well in a Jeety’s Joint exclusive, we have that answer for you.

If you’ll recall, police were called to Russo’s friends residence at 4 a.m. after he was heard setting off fireworks. In an article that read like a smut novel, the Times reporter went into some detail, describing Russo as “unable to answer questions” like why do you have dirt all over your chest/were you trying to hide from police?

Russo was charged with supplying alcohol to minors… and one minor in particular who apparently was wearing nothing but a towel and “accidentally dropped it, repeatedly” when she was being questioned by police. (For those of you wondering, this is the girl Russo met when she was in 7th grade when he was subbing for a teacher on maternity leave. Warms your heart, does it not?)

Well, I’m glad to say Russo has learned his lesson. In this little gem sent to Jeety’s Joint, I have proof that he has changed his ways and is now a law-abiding citizen. Enjoy the photo:

While I don’t know the other guy in the picture, the girl is a year younger than me and by my calculations, likely not 21 years old. I hope this doesn’t put a black mark on his teaching resume.

A follow-up was on the BC Times Web site (did you know that’s how that’s supposed to be written? Two separate words with Web capitalized? Learned that one the hard way on my last story…) today and more details about the unholy merger were released. The End is near.

In fact very, very little information was given in this article. Apparently the “boundary-change committee” met last night and discussed finances. First of all, did you know we had a boundary-change committee? How long has this been around? I took the trouble to look this up for you, my beloved readers. Obviously they’re ecstatic to be working again. It’s been approximately 205 years since the last Borough border-change committe made any action. Only one member from the original staff has held his position for the duration: King Beaver, of King Beaver Apartments and Native American fame. After surviving the assassination plot by Shingas in 1810, he decided to make it his life’s goal to stay on the committee. And to live forever.

But seriously folks… (ha!) The best part of today’s article was one of the final paragraphs. Please read:

The boundary-change committee will meet again Nov. 28 at the Beaver municipal building on Third Street. Beaver Councilman Jim Christiana, one of several officials on the study committee, said in the meantime, he will be examining whether a boundary change would result in a more efficient, service-oriented community for residents.

I’m going to send a letter to the Borough asking if ol’ Jimmy is sober enough to be conducting such arduous research. His last public appearance, according to all accounts, did not go so well. Apparently at the field dedication for Pat Tarquinio in front of a crowd of almost 8,000 (or 8 million, they weren’t sure) as estimated by general gossip at Eaton Corp., Councilman Christiana stumbled over his words and “reeking of alcohol, made a horse’s [expletive deleted] of himself,” said certain unnamed sources. I’m not one for blackmail, but if the ol’ J-Man ever runs for public office (and Borough Council does not count… they actually report to BHS Student Council, or so I’ve been told), I’m not afraid to release a story involving Luke Feldmeier and Jimmy with his pants around his ankles in the middle of a soccer field. That’s all I’m saying.

With follow-ups and posting every day (and obviously this high calibur reporting), I’m bound to be integrated into the mainstream media soon…

Oh my gosh, we are all screwed. Apparently, the power hungry leaders of Beaver and Brighton Township have finally decided to go to war. In the BC Times today, a story was published discussing a possible merger or consolidation between the borough and township. In other words, it’s a free for all.

I’ve decided to come out swinging. Normally the prestigious Jeety’s Joint remains on the sidelines where hot-button issues are concerned. However, this is no time for silence. Those barbarians “on the hill” as they like to be called, think that with their hip, young demographic they can just march into old, dying Beaver and rename it “HipsterKool, USA.” Well guess what townshipians of Brighton… We’re not going down without a fight.

Recent reports have indicated that the Beaver 5 & 10 (abandoned for years) and that place that used to sell wheelchairs and now has mold growing on the windows will be the central headquarters of the Anti-BT front. One will act as the intelligence headquarters, the other will be open for refreshments.

According to the story, Jessica Bruni (the reporter and more than likely a ‘Shipist spy) said one of the communities could retain its name and “absorb the other” in a battle royale-style bloodbath ending in the destruction of our most dear icons including the high school (renamed “Loose Morals High” if the ‘Shipists take over) and of course, Cafe Kolache. Reports indicate the ‘Shipists plan to use that cannon in the park against us. Beaver residents are currently researching the location of the cannon’s “on” switch.

The other option is a “consolidation.” Honestly, I don’t know the difference. According to Bruni, this is where both communities would join and come up with a new name. Are you kidding me? If we’re fighting to the death, whoever wins gets to their name plastered everywhere. Period. I mean, I’m not an idiot. Colonies will surely follow and begin in Vanport and Bridgewater. Beaver, if victorious, plans on keeping an orderly system, calling itself and BT “Beaverland” and Vanport and Bridgewater “Beaver 1″ and “Beaver 2.” That will make it so much easier when we cross the Beaver River (”the die is cast”) and dominate Rochester and New Brighton (3 and 4, obviously). BT names reportedly include “Sudden Valley” (is that a salad dressing?) and Mystic Gardens (why don’t you go hang out with Dumbledore?).

I don’t want to give away too many secrets, but let me just tell you… the Beaver plan for victory involves Mayor Linn’s Zombie. So be my guest… bring out your big guns (what, John Burkett and Amber Brkich? Are you kidding me?). This has been long overdue. It’s go time.

Well, it turns out Dumbledore is gay. Who didn’t see this one coming, am I right? Oh… no one did? No one even gave him a moment’s thought in that regard? Hmm…

According to J.K. Rowling (who is a genius, by the way, and I mean that), the warning signs were everywhere. You know… like when Dumbdledore was friends with that one guy. I guess she forgot that she left out the chapter where Dumbledore hosts a tea party and sings selections from “My Fair Lady.” That would have helped the reader.

Either way, it really doesn’t matter. This came up in one of my classes today (somehow) and my professor made a good point. He mentioned the fact that Rowling talks about these characters like they’re real people, and most of the people who read the books treat them as such (maybe because they are?). This isn’t really standard for most other fiction, I’m told. I wouldn’t really know, since I don’t recall reading any other “books.”

Anyway, it makes you wonder what skeletons are in other fictional character’s closets. There have been rumors for years that Pip from “Great Expectations” actually visited Miss Havisham to see Miss Havisham, not Estella like the author would like you to believe. And for those of you who haven’t read it or it’s been a while, that is gross. I’m pretty sure she was decaying and then I seem to recall some incident with a wedding cake that is equally weird.

Moby Dick was reportedly a happy-go-lucky dolphin with an extremely pleasant disposition. He happened to bump into Ahab’s boat, upon which he immediately sent a flipper-written apology and a gift basket. Ahab sensed a “note of sarcasm” in the apology and, 4,000 pages later, history is re-written.

It’s hard to spot these “secret truths” hidden deep within most novels, but I’m sure if you read them again, you’ll spot something. And remember, if you think it’s true, then everyone else is wrong.

Youtube isn’t exactly my idea of the ideal online experience. Let’s be honest, for the most part it’s a platform for freaks to… how shall I say… display their freakness? Case in point. For those of you who clicked on that, yes that was Alex Varkonda lip synching Vanessa Carlton’s “Thousand Miles.” Sigh…

In one of my journalism classes this week we watched a clip of a guy at a city council meeting in Charlotte. First, I should say I’m not a huge fan of the prof, but she has a fairly good sense of humor (when she’s not publicly shaming people for their lack of passion for, say, attending city council meetings). She started playing this clip without telling us anything about it.

You can watch the clip here.

Now, if the turtleneck and haircut didn’t tip you off from the start, I hope that by the time we hit his exhibit A evidence (THIS is what the Freedom of Information Act is FOR!), that you figured out he is a pyscho. Oh, that and the title of the video.

Now, keep in mind… You see his speech from the start. You’re seeing exactly what the council members saw and heard. If anyone is able to connect the document, the helicopter, the arena without ice, the “shaking” demonstration and John Walsh, I will personally go to this man’s house for a one-on-one interview, likely to be aired on “60 Minutes” and the like.

Personally, my favorite part (aside from the shaking, which should probably be everyone’s favorite) was the reference to John Walsh. Is the man aware that he’s just a guy? Who does a TV show for Fox? I’m not sure of his governing power, but I think it’s something analogous to Mickey Mouse’s power in the Magical Kingdom.

Honorable mention best parts: “DNBAenteredtheNFLandNHLwere going to expand… I’ve been ready to explode like Mount Saint Helens.” Then also the reference to when he “woke up in the evening… later in the evening… early morning… 8 a.m.”

Those poor Boy Scouts in the audience… they do have a right to be scared.

Before I even start, I should mention that this is not turning into a TV blog. Strangely enough, I did consider making it a political blog a few days ago but thought better of it. Why alienate a few of the 12 people who read this anyway? I should be writing your life stories. Also, I don’t know why it seems every post I write now ends with a question mark in the title. I’m working on it.

Anyway, I almost peed my pants when I read this last night. Granted, it’s all speculation, but Jason Bateman did an interview a few days ago with some dope at MTV.com, undoubtedly a pot-smoking faux-hippie wearing a tattered shirt from Urban Outfitters and a Jamaican skull cap. Anyway, there might be hope for some sort of Arrested Development reunion! You can read the interview here.

At the same time, there’s an online petition going around, begging Mitch Herwitz (AD creator) to do something… anything with the Bluths again. I think the petition is a little weak in its language (it asks for a Christmas special and specifically says “not a feature film.” I want me a feature film!) Anyway, the petition is here. Although somewhat lame, I signed it. And you probably should, too. If you love me. And “The Hot Cops.”

I mean, look at these people. Don’t they seem like the types you just want to get to know better? I sure do. Am I overdoing it with this? Alright, I’ll stop.

On a completely unrelated note, I’m thinking of trying to turn this blog into a weekday thing. It seems like that’s what all the “official” bloggers do, and I want to fit in, right? Right. So basically, what that means for you, is that we’re switching from quality (HA!) to quantity. So… get ready to enjoy some crap, and lots of it. Actually, I have no idea if this will happen or not, so we’ll see what happens.

This was too funny to not pass along… Stephen Colbert, known for his Comdey Central “news” program “The Colbert Report,” wrote Maureen Dowd’s column in the New York Times a couple days ago. Below is his column:

A Mock Columnist, Amok
By MAUREEN DOWD
October 14, 2007

I was in my office, writing a column on the injustice of relative marginal tax rates for hedge fund managers, when I saw Stephen Colbert on TV.

He was sneering that Times columns make good “kindling.” He was ranting that after you throw away the paper, “it takes over a hundred years for the lies to biodegrade.” He was observing, approvingly, that “Dick Cheney’s fondest pipe dream is driving a bulldozer into The New York Times while drinking crude oil out of Keith Olbermann’s skull.”

I called Colbert with a dare: if he thought it was so easy to be a Times Op-Ed pundit, he should try it. He came right over. In a moment of weakness, I had staged a coup d’moi. I just hope he leaves at some point. He’s typing and drinking and threatening to “shave Paul Krugman with a broken bottle.”

I Am an Op-Ed Columnist (And So Can You!)
By STEPHEN COLBERT

Surprised to see my byline here, aren’t you? I would be too, if I read The New York Times. But I don’t. So I’ll just have to take your word that this was published. Frankly, I prefer emoticons to the written word, and if you disagree :(

I’d like to thank Maureen Dowd for permitting/begging me to write her column today. As I type this, she’s watching from an overstuffed divan, petting her prize Abyssinian and sipping a Dirty Cosmotinijito. Which reminds me: Before I get started, I have to take care of one other bit of business:

Bad things are happening in countries you shouldn’t have to think about. It’s all George Bush’s fault, the vice president is Satan, and God is gay.

There. Now I’ve written Frank Rich’s column too.

So why I am writing Miss Dowd’s column today? Simple. Because I believe the 2008 election, unlike all previous elections, is important. And a lot of Americans feel confused about the current crop of presidential candidates.

For instance, Hillary Clinton. I can’t remember if I’m supposed to be scared of her so Democrats will think they should nominate her when she’s actually easy to beat, or if I’m supposed to be scared of her because she’s legitimately scary.

Or Rudy Giuliani. I can’t remember if I’m supposed to support him because he’s the one who can beat Hillary if she gets nominated, or if I’m supposed to support him because he’s legitimately scary.

And Fred Thompson. In my opinion “Law & Order” never sufficiently explained why the Manhattan D.A. had an accent like an Appalachian catfish wrestler.

Well, suddenly an option is looming on the horizon. And I don’t mean Al Gore (though he’s a world-class loomer). First of all, I don’t think Nobel Prizes should go to people I was seated next to at the Emmys. Second, winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don’t need to care about science, literature or peace.

While my hat is not presently in the ring, I should also point out that it is not on my head. So where’s that hat? (Hint: John McCain was seen passing one at a gas station to fuel up the Straight Talk Express.)

Others point to my new bestseller, “I Am America (And So Can You!)” noting that many candidates test the waters with a book first. Just look at Barack Obama, John Edwards or O. J. Simpson.

Look at the moral guidance I offer. On faith: “After Jesus was born, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up.” On gender: “The sooner we accept the basic differences between men and women, the sooner we can stop arguing about it and start having sex.” On race: “While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.” On the elderly: “They look like lizards.”

Our nation is at a Fork in the Road. Some say we should go Left; some say go Right. I say, “Doesn’t this thing have a reverse gear?” Let’s back this country up to a time before there were forks in the road — or even roads. Or forks, for that matter. I want to return to a simpler America where we ate our meat off the end of a sharpened stick.

Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run, and I hear your clamor. I share Americans’ nostalgia for an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut of his jib, but the jib industry hadn’t yet fled to Guangdong. And I don’t intend to tease you for weeks the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his supporters raised $30 million, he would run for president. I would run for 15 million. Cash.

Nevertheless, I am not ready to announce yet — even though it’s clear that the voters are desperate for a white, male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting alternative.

What do I offer? Hope for the common man. Because I am not the Anointed or the Inevitable. I am just an Average Joe like you — if you have a TV show.