On the eve of my last final of “the college years” (which, unlike a laundry list of teen-angst hour-long dramas on the WB [R.I.P] did not disappoint,) I have this theory kicking around my head. Knowing myself, it’s better for me just to get it out, so that I’m not doodling and daydreaming when I should be drawing Phillips curves and aggregate supply and demand charts. Here goes: Hockey is Quidditch for humans*.
As I’m sure some of you know, the Penguins finally vanquished the Capitals Wednesday night in a Game 7 rout that hopefully (but I know it won’t) puts to rest the “Crosby or Ovechkin” debate. Seriously, that’s like asking which is better: the baby Jesus or Grendel’s Mother (bonus points: Beowulf reference!). But I digress.
My point is this: watching hockey is like poetry in motion. A few weeks ago, I attended a cookie-eating contest, during which the announcer describe the act of gorging yourself with cookies as “physical poetry.” Let me be clear: I do not mean anything closely (or distantly) related to that. My first postulate, and yes I’m using this word for its auditory cache, is that skating is as close we’ll get to human flight. To see these guys zipping up and down the ice at break-neck speed is incredible. The speed doesn’t translate well through the TV until they zoom in closer to the ice. This connects to the larger theory (Hockey = Human Quidditch… stay with me!) especially when the offense is moving into the opponent’s zone, with all three traveling at the same speed and the defenders lie in waiting. Intense!
Postulate two: You had to see this one coming—hockey sticks = brooms. C’mon. Glue a little straw on the ends of those things and we’ve got Canada’s second-favorite pastime: Curling. Someone’s bound to hop on their stick and take flight one of these days. It’s science.
Postulate three: At this point, I’m playing a little fast and loose with the postulates. How’s this: hockey defensemen are the human form of the Quidditch “bludger.” In both cases, people are getting their brains bashed in.
Postulate four: This one brings us full circle. Harry Potter is to Sidney Crosby as Draco Malfoy is to Alex Ovechkin. Hooray for analogies! GRE, here I come! But seriously, think about it. You know it’s true.
The combination of these four postulates provides for a cogent theory that hockey is our version of Quidditch. Good luck refuting this air-tight analysis.
Editor’s note: People who, by nature, hate this post: Scott, Eliot. Others?
*I refuse to use the word Muggle in reference to myself. I’m dork enough, thanks.
Comments
You are correct sir! I did not understand one of your postulates nor do I care to do the research to understand them. However, we can agree that the Pens are fun to watch.
While reading I was startled by what appeared to be a racing/nascar analogy in postulate 3. Please correct me if I am in err, but young brother, I think that you have been living in the south for too long.
I would also contend that Crosby=Potter Ovechkin>Malfoy. Although Malfoy was Potter\’s peer he was never quite an enemy/villian, as much as \”Ovey\” was in this series. I would suggest Karkarov, for many obvious (Rusky…bad teeth…) and not so obvious reasons, as a possible suggestion. However this suggestion has many wholes in it as well. Any input anyone?
In regards to ‘physical poetry’ I am proud you were able to add insert that into a blog post. Very proud.
And in regards to Kevin’s claim about Malfoy and ‘Ovey’ I would very much disagree. I think Malfoy is just as outright and blatant an enemy or contender for victory to Potter as Ovechkin is for Crosby.
These are the types of innovative and creative ideas a UT education can grant you… hook ‘em. haha
Nerd.