On the eve of my last final of “the college years” (which, unlike a laundry list of teen-angst hour-long dramas on the WB [R.I.P] did not disappoint,) I have this theory kicking around my head. Knowing myself, it’s better for me just to get it out, so that I’m not doodling and daydreaming when I should be drawing Phillips curves and aggregate supply and demand charts. Here goes: Hockey is Quidditch for humans*.

As I’m sure some of you know, the Penguins finally vanquished the Capitals Wednesday night in a Game 7 rout that hopefully (but I know it won’t) puts to rest the “Crosby or Ovechkin” debate. Seriously, that’s like asking which is better: the baby Jesus or Grendel’s Mother (bonus points: Beowulf reference!). But I digress.

My point is this: watching hockey is like poetry in motion. A few weeks ago, I attended a cookie-eating contest, during which the announcer describe the act of gorging yourself with cookies as “physical poetry.” Let me be clear: I do not mean anything closely (or distantly) related to that. My first postulate, and yes I’m using this word for its auditory cache, is that skating is as close we’ll get to human flight. To see these guys zipping up and down the ice at break-neck speed is incredible. The speed doesn’t translate well through the TV until they zoom in closer to the ice. This connects to the larger theory (Hockey = Human Quidditch… stay with me!) especially when the offense is moving into the opponent’s zone, with all three traveling at the same speed and the defenders lie in waiting. Intense!

Postulate two: You had to see this one coming—hockey sticks = brooms. C’mon. Glue a little straw on the ends of those things and we’ve got Canada’s second-favorite pastime: Curling. Someone’s bound to hop on their stick and take flight one of these days. It’s science.

Postulate three: At this point, I’m playing a little fast and loose with the postulates. How’s this: hockey defensemen are the human form of the Quidditch “bludger.” In both cases, people are getting their brains bashed in.

Postulate four: This one brings us full circle. Harry Potter is to Sidney Crosby as Draco Malfoy is to Alex Ovechkin. Hooray for analogies! GRE, here I come! But seriously, think about it. You know it’s true.

The combination of these four postulates provides for a cogent theory that hockey is our version of Quidditch. Good luck refuting this air-tight analysis.

Editor’s note: People who, by nature, hate this post: Scott, Eliot. Others?

*I refuse to use the word Muggle in reference to myself. I’m dork enough, thanks.

Okay, right out of the gate, let me say that both sides of the partisan divide are idiots (for very different reasons). With that out of the way, how about this Arlen Specter story, right? Crrrraaaaaazy. In case you missed it (i.e. have not turned on a TV/visited an Internets), the five-term Republican senator from Pennsylvania has switched parties and will seek reelection in the 2010 election as a Democrat.

Specter, in his own words:

In the course of the last several months since the stimulus vote, I have traveled the state and surveyed the sentiments of the Republican Party in Pennsylvania and public opinion polls, observed other public opinion polls and have found that the prospects for winning a Republican primary are bleak.

The reactions have been, well, mixed. This is the equivalent of a bomb exploding in the minds of everyone in Washington D.C., so maybe I should take it easier on some of these people. Let’s begin with the Republicans.

Oh, what, you’re surprised? Really? Were you also surprised when Rosie O’Donnell came out of the closet? Take a look at yourselves. The three moderate senators in your party (and there are basically only three) were ostracized for passing the stimulus. Obviously you have an ideological difference, but was it worth it to lose one of your most senior members? The continuation of a far-right stranglehold on the party is squeezing out all moderates, and with it, moderate voters. After 2010, the GOP will be lucky to have any Republicans north of the Mason-Dixon line.

Pat Toomey and like-minded members in his Club for Growth are pushing moderates further to the left and shrinking the party. As Lindsay Graham put it in this Politico story, “I don’t want to be a member of the Club for Growth. . . I want to be a member of a vibrant national Republican party that can attract people from all corners of the country — and we can govern the country from a center-right perspective.”

On the other side of the aisle… ugh! Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth. Is nothing enough for you people? Kos at “Daily Kos” (aka where America goes to die) had this to say:

In some ways, Specter’s switch doesn’t give us anything much. As his statement says, he’s not switching back on EFCA, he won’t be a reliable Democratic vote, and he’ll probably duke it out with Lieberman to be the most obnoxious anti-Democratic voice from within the caucus.

On the other hand, he was going to lose his primary and we’d easily pick up the seat against Toomey, giving us a real Democrat in that seat. Doesn’t seem like a great deal.

You. Are. Awful. First of all, you have another Democrat in the senate. Why don’t you just shut up and appreciate it? Secondly, what is happening in this country that moderates—people who think with their BRAINS and evaluate each piece of legislation as good or bad for the country—are viewed as abhorrent?

Alright, I need a beer. I’m going to go simmer.

Oh, hey. You’re still here? Really? I abandoned this thing weeks ago. Thought you’d catch the drift. Slow learners, I guess.

Well, since we’re both here, let’s catch up on a few things, shall we? In a way, I’ve been busy these last few weeks. Many of you have informed me that you’re simply using my site as a portal to get to Kevin and Jen’s to find out more info about Micah, so I’m glad that people are getting something out of this empty Web-land lot.

I’m currently in employment purgatory. At the moment that’s all I’ll say. First of all, I can’t type and knock on wood at the same time. And secondly, in the immortal words of George H. W. Bush, it “just wouldn’t be prudent.” Anyway, more info to come on that front… hopefully.

In other news, um, I’m less than a month away from graduating. What? Yes. Somehow college happened, and here we are. Early word from Pittsburgh is that my friends graduated from Pitt this weekend. Congrats to everybody, no matter how insane that fact actually is. (Not that you/they graduated, but you know, just the idea of the whole thing. Weren’t we just playing dodgeball in Mrs. Flynn’s class?)

Speaking of Pittsburgh, I saw “Adventureland” Saturday night. I recommend it—especially for those who’ve been to Kennywood Park. As many of you know, this is the place where the nickname “Jeets” was born, and it serves as the central scene of the entire movie. As a result, I’ve got a serious hankerin’ to take a spin on the Thunderbolt now.

I think that’s about all I’ve got for now. I’ll leave you with a quote I read today of Sen. Arlen Specter in the Post-Gazette’s “Early Returns” blog:

Referring to his longevity in the Senate, which often leads to power, he quipped, “Does anybody know how long it takes to build up 30 years of seniority?” He paused and answered his own question. “That’s right, 30 years.”

Seriously. He’s the best.

If yesterday’s game is any guide, the Pirates could be the worst team in baseball this year (again) but with STYLE. The Buccos recorded the first triple play in 16 years at the major league level in their 2-0 loss to the Reds. Missed it? Check it out:

Tip of the hat to Candace for being a better baseball fan than I am right now and pointing this out to me.

Congratulations to Kevin and Jen on the birth of their son, Micah Ethan Bechdel! He arrived a bit earlier than expected and has had quite a whirlwind first couple days. He was born yesterday morning, April 6, in the Beaver Medical Center and flown to West Penn Hospital. He is 3 lbs. 2 oz., 16 inches long and doing well.

Please continue to pray for Micah and his family. I’ll pass along anymore information as soon as I get it, and be sure to check their blog for updates sometime in the future.

“And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” — Micah 6:8

Okay, okay, okay. I realize no one really cares about this topic but me, and this post is borderline the equivalent of me talking to a cardboard box, BUT: it involves the insanity of Kathie Lee Griffin and Hoda Kotb (challenging Jeff Probst for highest consonant-to-vowel ratio in show business) on the Today Show.

Highlights: at one point both of them are petting Stevie; they clearly weren’t listening to her pre-interview conversation because Kathie and Hoda were insistent that Stevie lost 60 pounds last week apparently; Kathie feels her hand and says she has bones like a bird.

Mixed in with their usual talking over each other, and saying “right” every 4 seconds, this video is ripe for Joel McHale and “The Soup.” They also cut her off at the end. All kinds of awkward. (The over/under for people who have gotten this far/watch the video is 1. Place your bets.)

So, Stevie Nicks apparently sat down with someone at People Magazine recently to discuss one of her favorite topics: how good she looks. The story, aptly titled “Stevie Nicks: How I Look Fabulous at 60” goes through the details of Stevie’s regiment from as far back as the 70s. The subhead for this story should be “Lies About Science.”

According to the Gold Dust Woman herself (I debated… almost went with Gypsy, briefly considered Welsh Witch), she spends 13 minutes every OTHER day on something called a Power Plate. The end. She dropped 30 pounds and has kept the weight off. Check out the Power Plate here. It looks like something the people in my previous post would use.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. This is all sounding a little Anna Nicole Smith, no? I mean, is it too soon to admit, as Kathy Griffin has, that “TrimSpa” is 80-90 percent heroin?

I did a search for videos of how this thing works. Um. None of them were in English. This one, which is oddly silent, should give you a good idea of what’s involved in the Power Plate workout. And how weird it is. According to stuff I’ve read, it was designed for Russian Cosmonauts either going to or coming back from space. So naturally Stevie has one in her basement.

Stevie’s final secret to success: she hasn’t seen the sun since she was 28.

While everyone else is out there burning up, I’m walking around going, ‘When I do look 60, you will all look 100. Enjoy it now because you aren’t going to be happy when I look young enough to get a date and you don’t.”

You can’t argue that she has a… unique perspective, no? In all fairness, she does look good for 60.

Um, welcome to the future, mofos. Check this video out.

MS Sustainability (http://ohhello.tv/video/MS_Sustainability_web.mov)

Sure, it’s Microsoft and as a result, not as cool as Apple, but I can’t waiiiiiiiiiit for this. We’ll all live in disc-like cylinders on really narrow beams of steel and have robot maids. Also, do you think planes in the future will be as ridiculously spacious as this one is?

The Magic 8 Ball says all signs point to YES.

As a final thought, what about this feel-good music, right? I want this to be the soundtrack of my life. You’ll know I’m coming around the corner when you hear the angels of techno-lite singing my anthem. You can’t deny that everyone wins in that scenario.

How weird is this post?

So, tell me if you’ve ever noticed this game that people play: they go about their day-to-day lives, ignoring the fact that living among us are terrifying murderers and scavengers. I’m talking, of course, about birds.

Not to belabor the point, but where is the public outcry? This video, courtesy of Videogum, is nothing new to me. As many of you know, I was attacked as a young child by a literal flock of seagulls (and by literal, I mean not these guys). While I will concede the fact that this may give me a natural anti-bird bias, facts are facts. Birds are horrendous. Fact. At least that’s what the UT Journalism School has taught me.

Check it (but don’t if you’ve just eaten, are sqeamish, or prefer not to watch birds consume raw meat):

Need I say more? To be honest, this video did not really shock me. Growing up, we would go to the beach every year, and I watched this phenomenon in its seashore variety. Seagulls, pelicans and other terrorists would take clams to high altitudes in the hard sand and drop them to crack open the shell. Ingenious, yes. Potentially devastating to human life, YES. What’s stopping a flock from working together, lifting you up into the air and dropping you off a rocky coastline? You saw what they did for Cinderella!

Turtles… clams… It only makes sense humans are next. Need I remind you they took out a plane in New York City?

So I basically broke the story that Jimmy Fallon was taking over for Conan O’Brien in this post from last April. Read it. It’s eerie how prescient (GRE vocab word! pre=before, scient=to know, hooray for learning!) my analysis was. Enjoy reading how correct (and therefore awesome) I was:

I don’t know if Fallon’s nervous and often fidgety behavior at the news desk was an act or not, but it was truly obnoxious. The article I sited above made mention that Carson Daly would certainly not be getting the job, and I have to say I’m not sure that this will be much better. I hope I’m wrong, but I don’t know. Playing opposite Craig Ferguson’s “Late Late Show” on CBS, the 12:30 a.m. EST hour might soon have the potential to be the worst hour on television. (Bring back Kilborn!!)

I go on to say that I hope I’m wrong and I wish him the best, which is all true. And I also make mention of that fact that Letterman and O’Brien took years to establish their voices and comedic styles. All of this is true. But… what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

I watched his premiere last night. My stomach churned and my palms sweated. I thought he did a pretty good job with the monologue (obnoxious fidgeting aside). The “Lick it for $10” was just awful. He called out three people from the audience to lick a brand new lawnmower and a fish bowl (I can’t remember the third). Why am I watching this?

His first guest was Robert De Niro, which sounds good on paper, but have you ever seen a De Niro interview? He makes Joaquin Phoenix look like a chatty Cathy. I guess there’s something to be said for starting out at the bottom? He closed the night with Van Morrison doing a revamped version of “Sweet Thing,” so the hour wasn’t all bad.

Do yourself a favor: watch U2 on Letterman tonight (and all week!) and turn your TV off. You can watch TV at 12:30 (EST) in three years.